194 – negative-1

There was a small cabin.

It didn’t look complacent. A black mist that would make your skin tingle just by touching it filled the cabin and overflowed.

“Is this here…”

I could smell Celia’s scent. However, it was artificial.

It wasn’t the refreshing and warm smell that the saintess Celia exuded.

Rather, the opposite. It felt like a part of Celia, not a saint, was condensed and oozing out.

Dangerous. It’s not a hero or something, it’s not an bearable amount of sadness. It’s not pain.

“You mean it’s in here?”

No one answered my self-talk.

No matter how hard you train your body, you can’t fight depression and win.

Breaking this by force is impossible. It wouldn’t matter if he condensed the warrior’s energy and turned it into a sword like Eleanor had done, then blows up the hut.

I couldn’t fight and win.

The moment you enter it, what you need to fight it and win is not the power of a hero.

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Just, the country only needs the will of one existence.

Maybe waiting outside is the right choice.

Celia is in here. I don’t know why, but the Farseer hasn’t eaten her yet.

It might be a more efficient and wise choice to wait here and fight the Farseer, who is on the verge of becoming a demonic dragon.

“…under.”

However, there was no time for weak thoughts.

Nerwen clearly said that Celia’s ‘persuasion’ would be more meaningful to me.

Then you can’t help but meet. Even this black fog and melancholy feeling, if Celia were to speak to me.

can’t help but go in

I took a step forward. A black mist covered my eyes.

It’s not to the point where you can’t tell the difference between the front and back. The hero’s senses clearly told where the hut was and where the door was, even when his vision was disturbed.

took one more step

-How long are you planning to take that porter with you?

-This is Eleanor’s instruction, so there is nothing this weak wizard can do.

-It’s not helpful in battle, and… at least, isn’t it supposed to be protected? I can’t stand it when I smell it while walking around the line.

During the journey of the warrior party, the bed was not always comfortable.

Almost every night, I would fall asleep as soon as I lay down in the tent.

However, it wasn’t always like that. I also had the opportunity to overhear conversations when I was lying in the corner of the tent, when others thought I was sleeping.

Most of it was normal conversation. A normal conversation, praising each other’s achievements for the battle that day, discussing the next course, and worrying about the food situation or the movement of the Demon King’s army.

But, very occasionally, when I couldn’t sleep, I could hear their gossip.

that was a bit sad.

“under!”

I let out a rough breath and with difficulty realized where I was.

in the black fog I haven’t even gotten into the cabin yet.

“It’s like this, so it’s…”

I gritted my teeth and took one more step.

This time, I had no hallucinations or hallucinations.

But nothing happened. Because more direct emotions flowed in.

Im sad.

In solitude without anyone, I feel the sadness of being alone.

If I take just a few steps back, there are piles of people I can laugh with, and I feel sadness as if they can’t see me because I’ve taken those few steps.

The sadness of anticipating that no one will comfort me, the sadness of remorse that no one has comforted me, overwhelms me.

I took one more step. This time, it was melancholy.

I feel the melancholy that you would feel when you are locked in a small room alone and immersed in your own world.

A great melancholy covers me at the thought that everything I’ve been doing is meaningless, that no one will ever acknowledge it, even me.

“This… is a bit difficult.”

I’d even thought about closing my eyes, jumping, and throwing myself into the cabin, but the risk was too great.

It was a daunting task to jump in a situation where it was difficult to take a single step right away, and if these fantasies and emotions overlapped in a confusing way and entered my head, I might really not be able to endure it.

Besides, these were Celia’s feelings.

“Is this the principle…”

No matter how much the power of the holy relic was borrowed, it couldn’t be easy to dress up a normal person as a saint.

I don’t know what the magic was in this cabin, but it seemed like it was extracting the emotions left in Celia that were ‘unnecessary as a saint’.

If so, I couldn’t help but feel each one.

“Let’s try it once.”

took the next step The feelings I felt this time were empty.

“Whoa…”

I wanted to sit down. I want to turn around right now and get out of this dark space.

Breathing, standing on the ground, drawing a sword, moving forward.

Dying and living, standing and lying down, laughing and crying.

The barrier separating all of this becomes meaningless.

Only the inertia remained, it just grabbed my arms and legs and wouldn’t let go.

seduce me to stop No, it’s too calm rather than tempting, and too dry rather than depraved.

It’s just natural.

In a world where everything is meaningless, it was natural not to do anything meaningless.

But that’s not what I want.

“Kheup…”

When I came to my senses, I was collapsed to the ground. The taste of the soil in his mouth was not very sweet.

“I really made people like this…”

They’re trying to stop me. I don’t know to what extent Celia’s intentions were involved, but it seemed clear that she was talking to me.

If so, there was only one thing I could say.

My determination is stronger. My desire is stronger.

“You think you can handle me…”

In the first place, she never forced me to make a choice. It was not a position that could be forced.

Well, that was just a minor opinion. It was only me who adopted that opinion.

“Where, once…”

Before I knew it, I was right in front of the door of the cabin where Celia was staying.

As soon as I roughly opened the door, I lost consciousness and closed my eyes. Memories of the past, unbearably huge, flooded in.

/////

want to kill

At some point, I gave up on being patient.

The heart that I firmly ate when I first went on a trip was finely ground before I knew it.

“We’re leaving in three hours. Can you get up, porter?”

Eleanor’s cold voice hacked.

There was no way it could have happened. Beaten by her holy sword, I had no strength left to even move my body.

“You can.”

However, there was nothing I could say.

It was a debt.

I was the one who used up the time we had left to save people.

saved six people. They were immature travelers.

The moment I shut up saying I can’t make it here, Eleanor will admit it.

Somehow, it would secure more time for me to rest, and it would make it possible for me to endure even if Celia’s divine power or Farseer’s magic were consumed.

But, if that’s the case, that’s it.

I will never let you save others again.

Objectively, I was the weakest link in this party. Even though they had ample time and leisurely schedules, I couldn’t stand it.

There were no regrets. If I had become a hero, I would have been able to follow them, but I would have had to spend a lot more time killing monsters that Eleanor could easily kill.

“Because I… said yes.”

I wanted to cover my mouth to speak. I knew that I couldn’t stand it, that it would be painful enough to die.

However, when I persuaded the warrior party to save them, they said there would never be any hindrance to our movement.

I had to keep that word. If I don’t keep it, Eleanor and the other party members won’t give me another chance.

Eleanor went back to her sleeping bag, but I walked to the nearby river.

Anyway, in this state, Nerwen will kick me out of the tent by designating my scent. It was better to move now than to go back and forth twice.

I know it in my head. What I was doing was not wrong. They weren’t wrong, and it was my insistence that made it harder for me than anything else.

But, I don’t like it.

It is disgusting to wash your body in cold water alone. Lonely, sad, painful.

Cursed. want to kill Hateful. disgusting

I want to get out of here as soon as possible. I want to kill the demon king as soon as possible and get rid of all this pain.

After coming back and lying down, it felt like morning had passed within a few seconds. When Eleanor woke me up, I hurriedly got up and got ready to start my journey again.

tired. In a state where it was difficult to recognize whether I was asleep or awake, I did the work I had become accustomed to.

It’s late. After the others had already finished their preparations, they were watching with cold eyes as I finished my preparations.

Nerwen covered his nose. Eleanor looked at me with her sword in her unshakable stance.

Celia and Farseer each looked at me with dissatisfied and irritated eyes, as if they were about to say a word at any moment.

“…under.”

After seeing that, I realized.