56 – Memory Recovery (2)

Life is a series of learning.

From very small learning, such as how to eat, how to use the bathroom, and how to speak words, higher courtesy, posture, and dignity are acquired.

No one knows from the beginning.

It is to accumulate knowledge, expand knowledge, and become wiser with words and actions derived from that knowledge.

Learning requires experience, experiences require events, and events require action.

That’s why ‘child’ has the meaning of foolishness.

Less action, fewer incidents, less experience, and less learning.

It is because they do not know how to act and do not know how to speak.

Han Jaejoong was one of those children. A child who has not yet lived half of half of his life.

A child who was strong even though he was an orphan.

Han Jaejoong was placed in a very good environment for the illusion that he was a grown-up.

I had no parents, so I had to stand up on my own, with no adults to imitate.

His self-reliance was stronger than his peers.

To be precise, it would be appropriate to say that there is only self-reliance.

There was no such thing as a person to be subjugated to, or a parent to fall from.

That self-reliance made him look extraordinary compared to his peers, and that extraordinaryness became an opportunity for his peers to rely on him.

This gave him a false realization, not a learning.

I have to take responsibility.

The self-reliance he gained from a lack of learning soon led to a sense of responsibility.

Those who could not take responsibility for themselves began to take responsibility for others.

Responsibility soon leads to impatience, and impatience leads to recklessness.

That recklessness led to an easy conclusion to close the case.

The aftermath of the incident made it impossible to recall.

It was the result of excluding herself from being protected.

It was the result of mistaking a mature child for an adult.

Feeling the burden beyond his physical and mental limits, he took responsibility as an adult even though he was not an adult.

I have crossed an irreversible river.

It was a poor judgment.

It was a state of mind that could only be complacent.

He was still a child.

A child who had a love affair and even experienced mental abuse from an unspecified number of people.

He was arrogant, reckless, and nervous.

I thought it would be okay if I could put out the fire right away.

It was stupid.

I didn’t know how great human malice could be.

I didn’t know how fragile my mind was.

I had no idea how hard the storms of reality could be.

Now he is paying the price for his stupidity.

The rough breathing was evidence that the pain of the past, which had only been known as knowledge, had become an experience. And it was also proof that he was in the midst of learning.

“Oh, brother! Ji, really… Bo, the envelope. Where’s the envelope?”

The passage of time is fair to all, but it does not bring the same healing to all.

Oblivion is a blessing. The passage of time makes the accumulated pain slowly disappear, like the wind moving sand. However, the degree of the wind varies from person to person. Some are strong, some are slow. Or no matter how strong the wind blows, there are times when it doesn’t move.

In the case of Han Jaejoong, it was also special, when the sand that had been blown away came back due to a headwind.

The experiences of the past, which he had obviously forgotten, were forcibly brought up and tormented him.

It was one of the memories I wanted, but it was not a memory I could welcome.

“Brother! Look at me! Hurry up!”

Pink Deneb grabbed Han Jaejoong’s cheek and made him look at him. Eyes resembling jewels reflected him clearly. His eyes were also looking at her clearly.

The gaze that looked at the past slowly returned to reality.

“Can you hear me?! Huh?! No, you don’t have to nod your head. Breathe in for 7 seconds, 7 seconds! OK? I’ll count from now on. 1, 2…”

Her fingers spread out one by one in a clenched fist. Following the movement, he inhaled. The diaphragm, which had been raging wildly, was distended. It was a more stable movement than before.

After all five fingers were spread, two fingers were folded.

“Now exhale. Again slowly, for 11 seconds. Okay? 1, 2…”

Again her hand turned into a fist. I exhaled slowly in sync with Pink Deneb’s voice and fingers. Her swollen breasts slowly regained their original shape.

“…11. Now breathe again. For 7 seconds. Same as before. Okay?”

repeated that a few times. 711 breathing. It was one of the tips for coping with hyperventilation.

The shoulders, which repeatedly bounced up and down roughly like boiling water, returned to their original form through the repetition of the breath.

“Heh-uh… Heh-uh…”

But there were aftereffects. I was drenched in sweat like someone who had finished a marathon, and my arms and legs trembled like an aspen tree, so I couldn’t stand properly.

It was the result of a nightmare-like memory struck like lightning in an instant.

Han Jaejoong couldn’t even tell whether the things flowing down his face were sweat or tears. It was dizzy. It was crazy.

‘This is the completion of a world where no one gets hurt’ was a common thing for an adolescent to do. The price was too heavy compared to the lightness of the choice.

‘Damn it… I committed suicide because of this, and in the meantime, I’ve disappeared.’

I realized very well why Han Jaejoong decided to commit suicide. I could wholeheartedly empathize. No, empathy is not enough. actually experienced it.

In addition, I came to know more about Han Jaejoong’s thoughts, feelings, and guilt toward the other two people.

It was complicated. Originally, feelings toward others are not simple, but in his case, it was more than that.

Benevolent love that can be seen both rationally and fatherly, comradeship, yearning, inferiority and inferiority, friendship, a kind of superiority and elation, boredom, responsibility, sorry, guilt that can be obtained by being intoxicated with a kind self who cares for others.

All kinds of emotions swirled and hit him.

Memories contain emotions, not just scenes. Jaejoong Han made up his mind to leave the woman in front of him, gained memories of his actions, and came to know the various emotions he had at that time.

‘I’m tired.’

Han Jaejoong was tired of being around shining beings like magical girls. boredom.

It wasn’t that I was tired of people, I was tired of the attention and attention I got from being around them.

Romance rumors were simply an opportunity to leave. He was sure that he would have disappeared one day even without it.

this was heaven To act immediately at the slightest emotional agitation.

It was an action that was possible because there were no parents to stop it. In that sense, it could be said that it was a nature created by an acquired environment.

In fact, he often ran away from home. School only went to school according to attendance days, and I often skipped school and went to other places.

After traveling so freely, one day, when the boredom disappeared, he would come back.

They also know this personality, so I guess they haven’t been looking for it for a while.

But he didn’t come back.

“Brother… are you okay?”

Pink Deneb asked anxiously. The hand holding the ball became a breakwater to block the cold wind. At the same time, it served as a medium for emotions. Her hands were shaking just as much.

“…Uh, it’s okay.”

Han Jaejoong, guessing the surprise, smiled and tried to reassure him. It was actually effective. A slight relief appeared on Pink Deneb’s face. She sat upside down like Han Jaejoong.

“Yeah, but why were you here…?”

It was a legitimate question. It was also a difficult question. Han Jaejoong slightly distorted his smile and rolled his head as much as he could to make an excuse. At best, I erased the suspicion that he was a monster, but there was no need to raise it again.

“that’s….”

The mumbled excuses didn’t work. The misty steam obscured the words behind him. Han Jaejoong doubted his eyes, as if he was seeing something wrong. Tears welled up in Pink Deneb’s eyes.

“do not die….”

“…?”

The answer that came back was so out of the blue. Now that I see it, the previous question was not intended to be asked. It was a question that had already been answered within her.

Pink Deneb hugged him around the neck. It wasn’t a very sudden act in terms of a reunion, but the feelings were quite perplexing. Bewildered by the torrent of heavy emotions, Han Jaejoong stirred the air, not knowing where to place his hands.

“Brother, don’t die… Hib, heuk, don’t die…”

As I leaned my face on her shoulder, the dampness came out. It wasn’t because of the cold sweat she had just shed. Pink Deneb was crying. There are times when tears come out of the heart when you see the pain of a close acquaintance, but it didn’t suit the current situation a little bit.

This was a desire beyond worry.

It was an act of protection and sorrow for life beyond the simple wish of health.

‘I almost died from Seol-hwa just now. If you’re going to argue, wouldn’t it be better to ask Seol-hwa to save you instead of me?’

The opponent was not good enough to spit out a joke like this, and the condition was not good.

“Don’t die… don’t die… I’ll do well… I’m sorry… I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you… I’m sorry I said you were an old man… Now I won’t curse at you and I’ll live a good life…”

what should i do with this No answer came. The hard-thought-out excuses were bleached white and washed away with her tears. Han Jaejoong was speechless at the desperate and infantile weeping that matched his age but matched his appearance.

“You can’t commit suicide… don’t die…”

It was a memory that brought back memories and then recalled them again. It’s vague, but Han Jaejoong remembers when she was a crybaby when she was little. Compared to that time, her makeup has become stronger, her posture has become more confident, and her words and actions have lost his hesitation, but seeing her crying now, that childhood image has not completely disappeared yet.

“I can’t die…”

Because of his strong desire, Han Jaejoong even forgot the pain he had just experienced.

“My, why am I dying! Ah Yuna, who am I! Huh? I won’t die. It’s okay. I won’t die.”

Although he couldn’t keep up with the whole situation, Han Jaejoong decided to calm her down.

He clenched his hands in the air behind her back. He hugged this small back and stroked her hair like a child. His hand was trembling like an aspen tree, but it stopped trembling.

I calmed her down as I searched for childhood memories that were as faint as behind a fog.

“I’m not dying. Ayun-ah, calm down. Everything will be fine. Everything.”

he repeated it over and over again. Just like the previous breathing method, slowly.

After this, after shouting “I won’t die” seven times and saying “it’s okay” eleven times.

Her trembling back slowly began to calm down.