208 – Self (2)

#4

“Yes, yes?”

“Are you an idiot? Now that I see you, are you deaf?”

It was embarrassing to be cursed at all the time.

“I can’t talk for a long time because I don’t have much time. But after hearing your story, I had to say this. You are the top of the top. It is also a top-notch high-quality body.”

“Oh, thank you for the compliment… ?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“… Sorry.”

Elena sunbae-nim looked so old in the time I couldn’t see her. Her hair, which was originally a lion’s mane, stood out as if it had been struck by lightning. The rest of her eye, uncovered by her blindfold, was tired, and her firm skin was covered with scars and cuts she hadn’t seen before.

“And… Big, you picked the wrong person to talk to. Unfortunately, I’m not an expert on that. So, I will combine the questions you asked me earlier and give me a common answer.”

I was the one who requested an interview with Elena-senpai. She didn’t know it would come to pass suddenly like this… She had a lot of things she wanted to ask for her advice from her senior. Mainly about my destiny. About the existence I saw in the labyrinth. About how to move forward with confidence when you are not sure.

“Juniors.”

Elena blew the smoke from her cigarette and looked at me with one of her eyes.

“What did I say last time?”

“… Last time?”

I remember what she was talking about, but I’m not sure what she was talking about. I can’t answer easily, so I’m going to have a good time.

“I told you not to do anything you will regret.”

“Ah.”

It certainly was. She told me to always do my best and live without regrets. He said that it would be less fucked up when he died.

“Whoa- Then I’ll ask again.”

Senior Elena continued.

“Are you regretting now? In all the actions you consulted me.”

“… ….”

“Please answer honestly. This is the mill room. My mouth is pretty heavy. Even if it doesn’t look like that, I’m pretty confident in keeping it a secret. Well, you probably already believed me to some degree from the moment you told me that.”

“… ….”

“Are you not sure?”

“Yes.”

This was an immediate answer.

“Sometimes I wonder if it was the wrong choice, and sometimes I think it was the best choice. But I don’t know. When you receive a request that you cannot fulfill, the best way to resolve it without refusal….”

“Why can’t you listen?”

“That….”

Why did I have to kick her out?

They, why?

“I…. Just….”

The dried lips did not come off easily. Thoughts ran in her head for a long time. Time goes on.

Chiik─ whoo─

Senior Elena asked for her new cigarette. Even though she said she didn’t have much time, she was waiting for me calmly.

Ah. Yes.

I was thinking about it even at this moment. I wonder if my answer will disappoint Elena-senpai. Are you swearing again like before? Are there any bad results? Doesn’t a moment’s wrong choice ruin everything?

In other words,

I….

“I don’t have confidence.”

At that time, I met eyes with senior Elena. Beastly gold eyes seemed to see through my essence.

“Continued.”

Senior Elena sent her autograph.

I barely part my lips.

“I’m not a great person like senior Elena.”

Every time I continued to answer slowly, my voice grew a little louder, and my pronunciation became clearer.

“I don’t have the confidence to do everything perfectly, and I don’t think I have enough ability to do it.”

I don’t have confidence. The future is so uncertain. Although my motto was to do my best as far as I can and within my power.

So what if nothing comes out? If all my efforts go in vain, what will I be left with?

I had that thought behind me every time.

It was my weak self.

“Continued.”

“I… I didn’t like this. I thought it had changed, but it seems it hasn’t. Something pathetic. Myself.”

The only thing that has changed is the body. In the end, that was all.

As for me, since then, nothing has changed.

“Continued.”

“I am never a good person. I know that better than anyone. I don’t think anyone will like it because it’s deeply related to me. Especially for those kids….”

In that case, self-torture like me at that time will only continue. I can’t stand it because I’m pathetic for myself. No matter what choice I make, it seems to keep going wrong.

I had the talent I wanted so much, but I lost a lot in return. Precious treasures that can’t be obtained even if you spend your whole life.

No, it’s not lost.

I threw it into the sea with my own hands.

Am I regretting those choices now?

“Okay. Cut.”

Senior Elena clapped her hands. When she looked up, she had one corner of her mouth raised with a smirk.

“Well said. Junior.”

A new cigarette was taken out again.

Smoke was coming from the side, not from me.

Whoa—

“Human beings are more finite than you think. Junior. It’s sudden, but why do people make a lot of friends at drinking parties? … Oh, have you ever had a drink?”

“I roughly understand.”

“Yeah, anyway….”

Senior Elena continues her words.

“Because it is easiest to see the essence of a person at a drinking party. The boundaries of the mind are broken down, and even secret stories that usually cannot be easily brought up come and go.”

I see. I listened silently.

“Isn’t that childish? The more you reveal your secrets, the stronger your trust will grow. How many secrets you know is a measure of friendship. Well, that’s not all, but…. Even if you have a serious conflict with someone, it can be solved neatly by having a drink, putting everything down frankly, and having a conversation. In my case it was.”

Elena sunbaenim made a gesture like putting her glass down on her table with a thud, then shrugged her shoulders.

“You don’t think I’m a pathetic adult, do you?”

“Yes? That, it can’t be.”

“That’s all right. I want to have a drink with you later.”

“Oh, that’s a bit….”

“If a senior is rude, he is rude. Do you have a long tongue?”

“… We will review it positively.”

“Hey. You look like an ugly junior.”

Anyway, she said, returning to the main topic.

“The true mind that you are afraid of. Anxious future. Your honest feelings. Do the same to them as you just confided in me.”

Do the same?

Recalling a conversation we had one day, I open my mouth heavily.

“I have already told you. Because that….”

She became irrevocably distant from them.

A sense of guilt seeped into my heart. However.

“No, no. You don’t know you Even you can’t believe you, can you really have confidence in that heart? Is that really what you mean?”

“…… !”

There was something that touched the listeners with her words. I’m not sure. Even I don’t believe in myself. But how can I say with certainty that my heart is like this?

Impossible.

“At this moment, what is your true intention?”

Suddenly, senior Elena asked me.

I murmur blankly.

“Really….”

“It is not a matter of not loving someone and sleeping. I want you to tell me your pure heart. No one else, but yourself.”

A pure heart.

When I talked to senior Elena about her concerns, what did I want to do?

“What you want to see. What you want to do Even if you fall behind tomorrow, you must do it. You are asking what it is.”

As if the time is up, senior Elena is slowly getting ready to get up from her seat. She lifts her ass off her chair, extinguishes her cigarette, and slowly approaches her.

Chin.

Her hand rested softly on her shoulder.

“Again, it’s not who you love and who you don’t. Seeing you, I know that it won’t be easy.”

Why is it that my slightly clumsy hands feel relieved?

“But you dared to ask me for advice. What was the answer you wanted to get by doing that? What answer did you want from me?”

Senior Elena didn’t answer.

I want to find it myself.

My true heart.

‘I….’

The fist was clenched. I gripped my pants tight.

‘What I want to do.’

The time it took before his mouth fell off was unexpectedly quick.

“… I was wrong.”

We are finally on the same spot. I am no longer the only one who has been seriously hurt. Each other hurt each other. A relationship that only leaves scars.

If you just ran away as if you were avoiding it.

I’m going to fall into the abyss again.

This time together.

My head was lowered.

Thoughts swirled like a whirlpool. Even at this moment, I was thinking about it.

He naturally frowned. The clenched teeth were strained. I felt a deep sense of self-loathing. Mixed emotions ran through me. Look straight at the one thing that doesn’t change there.

… Oh

I finally came face to face with my original mind.

It was that simple.

It was that easy.

I didn’t want to be sad anymore, nor did I want to make anyone sad.

If so,

There was only one thing I had to do.

I raised my head.

“It’s not too late now, ask for forgiveness.”

Will will.

I said it with a stronger will than ever before.

“So… I wanted you to tell me.”

Throbbing─

My heart was beating loudly. How long did it take to say this word? It was too long.

But I wanted you to tell me it’s not too late.

Selfishly.

… Yes.

I acknowledged that I was selfish. I hoped that I wouldn’t be by Mew’s side and Rubia’s side, but I hoped there wouldn’t be anyone other than me. Hit. Undoubtedly.

This is my ugly heart.

And that feeling was wrong.

“Ezio Cranil.”

Then, senior Elena spoke.

“You are a junior I recognized.”

Senior Elena, who always looked like a wild wild dog, showed a weak smile that seemed particularly weak. If she seems friendly for the first time, is it because she’s in the mood?

“Be confident. And believe in yourself.”

To that hand patting my shoulder.

A daunting sound rose to the tip of my throat.

“There is no one to trust in the world, so what should I do? Is not it?”

It was good that I consulted with senior Elena.

She thought so.

She finally vomited this feeling she couldn’t stand.

“… Yeah!”

At this point, I felt like I could do anything.

I stopped laughing.

#5

And the weekend back.

─Are you an idiot?

“… ….”

Remembering Elena-senpai’s words, I muttered blankly as I was spread out on the bed with the letter 大.

“I am an asshole.”

Tossed sideways.

There was a golden statue at the end. An artifact that increases training efficiency. I used to wear it every day when exercising, but today I haven’t worn it even once.

“I am an asshole….”

Reprinted twice.

I looked out the window and sighed.

… I can’t get a chance