102 – clumsy love

“Young, thank you… Ugh, thank you…”

“Heh heh… It’s been a while since I’ve seen you crying.”

Raiden tearfully wipes his eyes, and Gilbert pats him on the shoulder and smiles softly.

Looking at the two people who were in perfect harmony, Stener quietly emptied his glass.

As I immerse myself in the bitterness that lingers in my mouth for a moment, an alcohol-soaked sigh escapes from my closed lips.

“Whoa…”

Stener squeezed the glass he had emptied and chewed his lips softly.

In his head, where the spirit of alcohol swirled, complicated thoughts were repeatedly intertwined and unraveled.

Those thoughts were, of course, about his son, Raiden.

ㅡYour father and old man also noticed, right? That I was deliberately messing around…

ㅡDon’t look at me that way. ‘Cause I know that I’ve been stupid

—-It’s just… Back then, I couldn’t think normally…

The stories of the past he told me were so dark and miserable.

The story of the past days when I had to push myself into a prison of solitude every day, suffering from guilt and obsession.

Hearing all of this, Steiner felt a deep sense of helplessness.

“……”

What should I say?

As a father, what should he say to a child who is so sad?

I thought about it, but I couldn’t come up with a suitable answer.

Stener could not easily open his mouth and looked at Raiden with a hesitant gaze.

“Ugh, uh… uh…”

“Please stop crying now, Bocchan. I’m afraid you’ll lose your energy again and collapse…”

“Damn… Hey, I’m trying, but I’m not stopping…”

A black boy with a haggard face and his head hanging down.

The solid lines of water that ran down his white cheeks broke Stener’s heart.

I want to give you something comforting.

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Just like Gilbert did, I also want to warmly comfort him who is crying.

Contrary to that feeling, his mind kept going blank, so Stener couldn’t say anything.

it’s okay don’t cry Don’t worry, everything will be fine.

Why are these simple words so difficult?

Stener drools at the frustration he felt for himself, and searched for his wife who passed away inwardly.

‘Philippa…’

A silent muttering of vague longing flowed languidly.

Recalling the reddish hair he could no longer see, Stener smiled bitterly.

Philippa.

If you were alive, you would be different from me.

Unlike me who was blunt and clumsy in expressing emotions, you were a kind and warm person in everything.

In front of a child who is in despair due to old wounds and pains.

He would have stretched out his hand and hugged me without hesitation like I did.

‘What the children needed was you… not me…’

Stener drank again, brooding over his blue-soaked thoughts.

Every time I pass the drunkenness over my throat, the weight in my heart weighing down my shoulders grows heavier and heavier.

If I put my glass down while bending my forehead at the pressure,

A few words from Philippa, which I had been forgetting, come to mind.

—-I told you, Stener. You tend to think too hard of children.

—-No matter how clumsy you are at expressing emotions… You shouldn’t act so that the children feel a sense of distance from you.

—-So, um… I mean, when dealing with children, don’t overcomplicate things.

ㅡSometimes there are times when you need sincerity that has not gone through any filtering process.

“……”

The advice that Philippa gave me once, when I had problems with my children.

Stener recalled the words that suddenly came to his mind, and quietly wiped his chin.

‘It’s unfiltered sincerity…’

What he meant was clear.

Do not groan while being immersed in thoughts, but show the emotions in your heart as they are.

Philippa always said so.

It is more important for children to show emotional attitude than rational attitude.

But… is that really enough?

Wouldn’t the children get hurt and suffer more because of my immature words?

Then I…

—-Try to bump into it. don’t be afraid

ㅡWhen children are having a hard time, it’s much better to do something than to do nothing, isn’t it?

…..Yeah, that’s right.

Nothing will happen just by procrastinating.

As you said, it must be something I have to exert more strength and confront more sincerely.

“Raiden.”

Stener broke the long silence and opened his mouth.

There was a firm determination buried in the slow, low-pitched voice.

“Ugh, ugh… Yes, Father.”

Following the call, Raiden turns his head and looks at him.

Stener made eye contact with his son, who was still wet with tears, and his lips twitched.

It was a clumsy attempt to smile.

“father….?”

“Listen carefully, Raiden…”

Stener took several deep breaths and started talking.

The stories about the sincerity that I couldn’t talk about and kept in my heart.

“Don’t hate yourself too much.”

“Yes…?”

“It’s true that you did stupid things in the past, but hating yourself for that is no good at all.”

I’m sorry, Philippa.

I’m not around words, so I don’t think I’ll be as good as you did.

Still, I’ll try my best.

For our children, to shake off their sorrow and rise from despair.

“Me and Philippa…were really happy when we had you.”

“……”

“Really, it was like having the whole world. You probably can’t fathom the joy of that moment.”

I don’t know if my clumsy sincerity will be able to lift a fallen child.

Even so, I could do something like wiping the dust from my clothes and the tears from my eyes.

“It was the same after that. Every day was a series of dream-like routines.”

“……”

“Raiden, you and Ariel in those days were like everything to us.”

Raiden and Ariel.

I always feel sorry for you.

About the fact that I met my father who was so blunt and uninteresting.

“…And, it’s still the same now.”

“……”

“Didn’t you ask me earlier? Do I hate you… Do I resent you for being foolish…”

Because it’s the first time I’ve ever had the name father.

Very immature and clumsy.

Still, if you are struggling in darkness, I will always reach out to you.

because…..

“I’ve been disappointed in you, but I’ve never hated you.”

“……”

“This father has always loved you, Raiden.”

I am your father

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—-There were times when I was disappointed with you, but I never hated you.

—This father has always loved you, Raiden.

When those words came out of my father’s mouth, I couldn’t stop crying again.

It was because I couldn’t control my emotions at the word ‘love’ I hadn’t heard in a long time.

It was a few plain and concise words, truly like a father…. Those few words were like salvation to me.

For the past few years, I’ve been living with one anxiety inside.

The fearful anxiety that my father might resent me for surviving through my mother’s sacrifice….

And my father organized my mind neatly.

so I don’t fret anymore.

So that I no longer strangle myself with useless worries.

Along with tears, I cleared out the emotions piled up in my heart to the fullest,

My father came to my side and patted my back as I flinched.

Gilbert looked at us with a hearty smile and quietly filled the empty glasses.

“Heh heh… Both of you, drinking too much is not good.”

“Umm…Gilbert, don’t nag me…on a good day like this…”

“Yeoonggam-nim… Thank you… Ah, Dad too…”

After so many hours of drinking, we got up only after we were completely drunk.

My father, who must have been in a good mood and drank so much that he couldn’t control his body, eventually went up to the workshop with Gilbert’s support.

I greeted the two of them and staggered toward my room.

ㅡ trudge…

Above the dark hallway, crooked footsteps resonate coolly.

I moved my body silently, scanning the mansion where the curtain of night was drawn with blurry eyes.

It was still night.

When I left the room, the grandfather clock in the middle of the hallway, which had been pointing to 1:00 AM, was pointing to 5:00 AM before I knew it.

I washed my face dry to wake up my hazy mind, and exhaled a breath soaked in alcohol.

“Whoa… you’ve been drinking for a long time.”

Could it be thanks to his father and Gilbert?

Her footsteps, which had been heavy and weary just when she left the room, seemed to have regained a bit of vitality now.

To the point where I thought about getting out of that narrow and dark room starting tomorrow and going out…

“First of all, let’s wake up and think about it…”

ㅡClack, kiik…

I opened the door with a slight sound of hinges, unbuttoned my shirt, and immediately lay down on the bed.

Then, he hugged the large pillow lying next to him and closed his eyes.

Whether it was because I was drunk or because I felt comfortable, I felt drowsy.

Today was a day that seemed like something I wouldn’t have a nightmare for.

I fell asleep feeling the sweet smell of peach wafting from the tip of my nose and the warmth felt from the pillow.

It was a quiet, peaceful night.

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And before I leave the room,

It was only after waking up that I realized that I had put someone on the bed.