101 – Hope to be loved

“It’s been a while, Raiden.”

“…..father?”

My father’s face that I see after almost six months.

At the unexpected reunion between the father and son, I couldn’t help but let out a dumbfounded voice.

Why is my father here?

Why is Gilbert still here?

No, more than that, what the hell is this space…?

Various questions popped into my head at the moment, but for now, I put them aside and responded to the greeting.

“Long time no see, Father.”

“okay.”

When I respectfully bowed my head and expressed my respect, a short answer came back immediately.

It was an overly dry greeting for a father and son reuniting after a long time, but they did not take it seriously.

Because my father was always like this.

A blunt yet reticent person… A person with the opposite personality of her mother.

“…You’re still the same.”

Seeing my father remain as I remembered it, I smiled vaguely.

The emotions that come to mind as soon as I see my father and the thoughts I was chewing on a moment ago mix and create small waves.

I had to catch my quivering breath so as not to sink into the gentle swells.

“Whoa… By the way, what are you doing here? From my memory, I don’t think there was a space like this in the mansion…”

“Umm, come to think of it, the young master must have seen this room for the first time. How can I say this… It’s like the family head’s personal resting place.”

“A resting place…? Father’s…?”

As I tilted my head at the incomprehensible words, Gilbert put the bottles he was fiddling with on the table and continued.

“Because the family head loves alcohol. After finishing the paperwork, he always has a drink, but I prepared this space separately because I want him to drink it in a well-equipped place other than the desk in the workshop.”

“Obviously I said I didn’t need it…”

“Heh heh, you’re visiting me almost every day… Are you trying to get out of your way?”

“…Well, I didn’t say I didn’t like it.”

Father and old man exchanging soft tiki-taka, each holding a glass and bottle.

When I was bruised for a moment at the sight of the two of them, who felt nostalgic for some reason, Gilbert, who met my eyes, smiled slightly.

“Now that you’re here, do you want to have a drink, too?”

“…I’m not old enough to drink yet.”

“Cheolkeol… You must have been trying to be funny, right? The person who lives every day indulging in alcohol.”

“Sure. A glass of something cold, please.”

Shrugging her shoulders lightly, she moved to the table.

Sitting on a chair a couple of steps away from where my father was sitting, I let go of my heavy breath.

“Whoa…”

“You’re sighing heavily. Are you okay?”

“Perhaps.”

At Gilbert’s question, I nodded and wiped my face as if I was washing my face dry.

Actually, there was nothing good about it… well, there’s no need to show off things like that.

I chewed my lips for no reason and tapped the table with my fingers.

After a moment of silence, Gilbert hands over a glass filled with alcohol and ice from across the table.

“Take it, it’s a good drink that came in last month. I’ve heard that it’s brewed by nomads from the southwest.”

“Thank you, butler.”

As I accept the drink, a chill lingers in my palm.

The scarlet-colored liquid reminiscent of the evening sunset adds a deep sense of weight to the empty hands.

I tilted the glass slightly and took the weight off of it.

A sticky, hot feeling runs down your throat.

I feel my empty stomach filling up with alcohol-soaked liquids.

I emptied the glass in one go, spitting out the bitter scent that remained in my mouth and slightly furrowing my brows.

“…It’s bitter, a lot.”

“You drink slowly. You drink weakly, but you drink like that every time, so you get drunk quickly.”

Gilbert refills the empty glass and speaks as if admonishing.

I smiled at him.

“I’m not drinking, I don’t know who you’re talking about.”

“Of course, I’m talking about the Bocchan.”

“I’m drunk… not bluffing, for real.”

“Hmm…. Normally, a person who, after drinking alcohol, flips over here and there and doesn’t even remember it the next day, is not considered to be a strong drinker, youngster.”

“……”

I was silent for a moment at Gilbert’s words and looked down at the glass.

A boy with black hair was reflected on the orange-colored surface of the water.

When the glass is touched, ripples rise on the small pond and the boy’s figure is scattered.

I opened my mouth again while touching the impressions that permeated the glass.

“I mean, I actually remember everything.”

“Remember… what do you mean?”

“It used to be. When I was drunk and doing crazy things and walking around. I wasn’t really drunk at that time.”

Maybe it’s because I resemble my father who is an avid drinker, but I’ve always been less inclined to get drunk.

If you drink strong alcohol, you will get a light drunkenness level, but should I say that it stops at that level?

So, of course, I’ve never been drunk enough to wake up in the morning and not remember what happened the day before.

“Maybe that’s why, I remember everything from one to ten. The things I did in the past, the things I said to the servants…”

“……”

“…it’s all in this f*cking head.”

“young master…..”

At my words, Gilbert put on a blank expression.

He looked at me and let out a moment of bewilderment, then opened his mouth again.

“But, then… Are you saying that all the drunken scenes you’ve seen so far were acting?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Why did you act like that…”

“I do not know.”

I tilted my glass once more, glancing at Gilbert, who was looking at me in disbelief, and my father, who was sitting next to me.

The sound of clattering ice rings in my ears, and the unique smell of alcohol lingers lightly at the tip of my nose.

I made a complicated expression as I chewed on the drunkenness that shimmered vaguely like the water mist at dawn.

“In those days… well, as you all know, I was very unstable.”

“……”

“Did my father and the old man notice?

For an instant, a heavy silence fell in the room.

Looking at the two people hardening their expressions, I nodded slightly as expected.

I thought that the two people who have always been by my side since I was born would know the other side of my crazy days to some extent…

Apparently, that thought was correct.

“Do you know why I did that?”

“No… I knew that the Bocchan did that on purpose, but I have no idea why…”

“Me too. Judging from the time you started to change, I thought it must have something to do with Philippa’s death… but that was all.”

Gilbert and his father each made a confused expression and shook their heads slightly.

Seeing the two of them like that, I couldn’t stop my bitter mouth from twisting.

I shook off the slight silence that had settled over my shoulder and continued talking.

“Shall we talk?”

“…..What do you mean?”

“Of course, I’m talking about old stories.”

“This old man is not old enough to listen to old stories from a young master who is the age of his grandson…”

Gilbert cracked a joke, then reached into the cupboard and pulled out a new bottle.

As he refilled the empty glasses for me and my father, he asked in a light voice.

“…..Is the young master all right?”

“What?

“I thought you were reluctant to talk about that time.”

“……”

Well, why was it?

What made me suddenly feel the urge to tell stories that had never come out of my mouth before.

“…I’m fine. It’s literally just an ‘old’ story.”

Maybe because of what happened yesterday.

Mother’s love, which I had forgotten all this time, made my insides tingle.

The old emotions that I had been holding in my mouth were about to pour out with a single word of nausea.

“How about it? I think it would be perfect for a snack.”

“If only I’m okay with you, Bocchan…”

“…I want to hear it too.”

Gilbert nodded slowly while hesitating, and his father followed behind him and quietly looked this way.

With an ambiguous smile on my lips, I slowly parted my lips.

“Well, okay. So where do I start… Wait a minute, it’s a bit long.”

Suddenly, an old film roll plays in my head.

Looking at the screen that has turned yellow, I began to write beyond it.

.

.

.

Like that, I brought out all the stories about my crazy days in front of the two of them.

The things I thought about after my mother died,

Why did you try to push the people around you so much?

The loneliness I felt,

Everything about the self-inflicted scars that were inscribed with their own hands.

Talking about the past with the people involved in the past was not as difficult as I thought.

Maybe it was because I had put down a lot of things, so I was able to continue talking in a calm voice.

“Well… So, that’s how it happened.”

“……”

“……”

Let’s finish the story with a simple word, and a brief moment of silence passes through the room.

I sip the glass in my hand and turn my head to see two people looking at me with blank expressions.

Shock, pity, sadness, worry… I smiled bitterly at the two-pronged gaze filled with complex emotions.

“Don’t look at me that way. I know at least that I was foolish.”

Because the world hurt me,

I shouldn’t have been able to wield that pain on my own…

“It’s just… back then, I couldn’t think normally…”

I muttered a low voice as if making an excuse, and emptied the glass.

The exhaled breath, saturated with the strong smell of alcohol, leaked out between her lips and shattered fleetingly.

“Whoa…. The old man asked me earlier, right? Are you okay?”

“……”

“Not a thing… not a thing okay. Everything is a mess.”

I’ve been hurt so much, and I’ve hurt so much.

It was after I had come too far to have the question of how did this happen….

“Can I fix it…?”

“……”

“If I work hard from now on, will I be able to undo the things I messed up….”

I missed the days when my mother was alive.

I miss those days when everything was beautiful.

Those days when I was able to be loved by many people,

The days when happiness melted in every single sunlight hit me madly in my heart.

“Will I be able to hold back those who turned against me… Will I be forgiven by those I have hurt…”

So I asked

Towards the past parties standing in front of you,

Desperately, he put out a shabby question that was attached to it.

“Again… will they love me…?”

Will I be able to receive love from you again?

“no.”

Returning to the question he had posed in half despair and half hope, was Gilbert’s blunt words.

He said that with a slightly stiff expression, sweeping his beard.

“Those who have been hurt can’t all love the young master again.”

I was chewing my lips nervously, but I lowered my head feeling that the words drained my strength.

Also… it’s not possible…

“…I’m sure it’s like that, shamelessly come now—”

“But, I will.”

While trying to accept the dark reality with a bitter smile,

Gilbert spoke quickly, cutting off my damp muttering.

Looking up again, I see an elderly gentleman with a soft smile.

“Others may not know, but… I will stay by your side.”

“……”

“That’s a butler’s job, little boy.”

little bastard.

At the nickname I hadn’t heard in a long time, I shuddered slightly.

Each of the warm letters echoed tightly around my battered heart.

The vision, which had been unaffected by the strong intoxication, melted into a few soft words and shimmered in a blur.

“……”

“Do you need a handkerchief?”

I silently accepted the handkerchief that the old man handed to me and wiped my wet eyes.

I was so grateful… The hope he gave me as if nothing was wrong, I was so grateful that I shed tears.

“Young, thank you… Ugh, thank you…”

“Heh heh… It’s been a while since I’ve seen you crying.”

For a while, only the sound of crying and small laughter lingered in the room.