51 – Dark History (1)

I hate silent nights.

Silence reminds me of the sinful thoughts of that day.

If only I could turn it back. If only I could fix it.

The cunning silence that made me repeat such futile regrets was repulsive and terrifying enough to make my teeth tremble.

So sometimes, whenever the surroundings were about to become quiet, I rang my throat as hard as I could.

Except for his own voice, nothing can be heard in his ears.

smiled brightly.

To be able to turn a blind eye to the dark past that naturally blooms on the inside of the eyelids when you frown.

wore a mask

So that I can hide my tattered face, stained with tears and regret, from the eyes of others.

◈◈◈

If you want to help a bum, a few pennies.

If you want to buy the favor of a tramp, half of your money.

If you want to kill a tramp, all of your possessions.

A proverb that anyone who was born and raised in a slum must have heard at least once.

I was still young at the time, so I couldn’t fully grasp the meaning, but I could only vaguely guess the yolk of the horse.

A vagabond who receives a few pennies does not have to starve that day.

The tramp who received a larger amount of money than that will not have to worry about making a living for the time being.

but.

A vagabond who receives an exorbitant sum of money is bound to be the target of other vagrants who have their eyes on the money.

Sooner or later, you have to live with the anxiety of not knowing when your neck will fall off, which is heavier than any gold or silver treasure.

Beware of gratuitous favors.

Although there may be malice without reason, there is no goodwill in this world that does not expect a reward.

It is the rule of this world that naturally permeates your body as you roll around in the slums, even if no one specifically teaches you. Or, it was like a rule.

Because.

One day, even when the adults I hadn’t seen suddenly offered to take my brother and sister into their orphanage, I remained vigilant.

In reality, they are tout puppets to attract sympathy and hostility to our siblings. Because I was not looking at it as a means of making money.

I wasn’t particularly dissatisfied.

At the time, the fact that my weaker brother could sleep in a house with a roof made me feel grateful.

As long as we didn’t die of starvation, they would occasionally feed us.

I thought that if they wanted to use us, then we could use them too.

They are sponsors to support poor orphans like us. He said he was looking for a so-called customer.

I heard that in this world, there are a lot of strange species who can’t control their rotting wealth and throw away money to those who are worse than themselves.

What is the best target among them?

A priest who wants to show off his virtue to those around him. A couple who lost their child in an accident. They were said to be children of aristocrats who do not know the world.

Those who scatter small amounts of goodwill at random, not out of gratuitous favor, but out of a desire to satisfy something they lack.

They are the best way to make money.

The so-called Hogu was the logic of those who gathered us.

To me at the time, who had grown up in poverty all my life, their act of giving away their things for free to someone I didn’t know was a mysterious thing that I couldn’t even fathom.

Maybe it’s because I’ve occasionally seen old people serving tasty bread crumbs to pigeons, at best, to appease their boredom.

I couldn’t fully accept it, but I could roughly understand it.

but.

Finding a wealthy hukou to support both my brother and sister was quite a challenge.

I wouldn’t know again if I was alone.

At the time, my younger brother, Victim, was in poor health due to his weak body and being in an unsanitary environment without proper food.

No matter how much money is rotten, it is said to be a strange species.

It was a fact that even my lack of brain could tell that I wouldn’t try to buy a broken toy or a sick pet.

So I persisted with all my might.

If it’s not with my brother, it’s not possible. I don’t like it unless I’m with my brother.

Even if rice is reduced and treatment is harsh, it was thought that this was the only way to protect the one and only blood relative.

Every now and then, when they tried to put my brother aside and put me up for adoption, I deliberately defeated such an attempt by mischief and mischief.

It was definitely around that time that people around me started to call me ‘bad boy’.

It wasn’t too difficult.

All I had to do was imitate the behavior and tone of the scoundrels who caught my eye in the slums.

Because I was the one who had to feed my younger brother only by begging in a slum where all sorts of dangerous things lurked.

As far as acting skills, I was confident that I would not lose to anyone.

However, such temporary measures have limitations.

At most, it was a trick from a child’s head.

Now that I think about it, it’s rather surprising that it worked.

Not long after that, our brother and sister were in danger of being separated.

like that.

In the past and now, I, who was a rat poison when it came to using my brain, was unable to do this or that in a difficult situation where I couldn’t see the right answer.

”Hey! Rotten kids! The weirdo who wants to waste money on you siblings has finally returned!”

That’s my first memory.

At the time, I was just happy that I didn’t have to break up with my younger brother, although I didn’t realize it.

Needless to say, that moment was a turning point in my life.

◈◈◈

”Isn’t that a pervert?”

Now that I think about it, it was a reckless and even ungrateful remark.

At the time, I was no better than a thunderbolt without even the basic common sense of showing respect to the object of grace, beyond being immature.

I didn’t feel the slightest bit of remorse for saying such a stupid thing.

”Apart from concealing his identity, he asked me to take pictures and send them every month in a handwritten letter. It must be a pervert from an aristocratic family who can’t stand anything except as a child.”

”sister····. No matter how much it is, it’s a little bit like saying that to the person who supports us…”

”What? Who the hell is listening?”

I’m listening.

This is the me of the past who deserves to be punished.

Recently, it is said that among the younger generation of the system, the past that they want to erase from their lives is called dark history.

It was my personal opinion that the dark history of my life would boast a unique brightness and depth that would be unacceptable even compared to ordinary people.

Even now, whenever the words I said back then pop into my mind sparsely, the urge to bury my face in a rat hole surges up.

”If I had even a little confidence in my appearance, I would have written a story about myself. I heard that the gender is also unknown. I’m sure there’s no one to deal with, so it’s obvious that he’s a pot-bellied man who wants to fill his self-esteem at least like this.”

Shut up. please shut up

”You can bet! If I’m wrong, for the rest of my life! I will speak respectfully to everyone I meet!”

”sister····. If you don’t talk like that, you’ll hurt your nose once in a while…”

There is a saying that people grow through failure. It really was just that.

Because from the failure of that day, I personally realized the lesson that words, since ancient times, should not be spat carelessly.

It’s about half a year since an unknown person supporting our siblings appeared.

At that time, I did not feel that I was indebted to the benefactor who remits money to us every month, but rather regarded him as suspicious, whose purpose and identity were unclear.

Because there is no such thing as unrequited favor in this world.

A person who cannot be proud of himself in front of orphans, who can be said to be the weakest in society, cannot be a normal person.

Every month, asking for photos and letters must be because there is some ulterior motive.

At that time, I did not let go of the string of doubt that I was firmly holding on to.

”Listen to your sister! Big team! Sooner or later, this mysterious pervert will suddenly ask you to wear revealing clothes or take naked pictures in the name of checking your health! Then you must never grant that request! We have no money! It’s not like there aren’t stingrays!”

”Well····. If so, wouldn’t it have been quicker and simpler to buy a slave with that money? And, sister. In that case, it’s not a stingray, it’s called a gao…”

”That, what does that matter now!”

Now, through steady study, I am able to combine an excellent body with an outstanding brain.

Compared to Victim, who was clever in everything, I was a little bit smarter than my younger sister.

In a vulgar way, he was an idiot.

not now but.

”Remember! Big team! There is no such thing as kindness without a price in this world! I’m sure he’s doing this because he wants something from us!”

”Yeah, but… No matter what the intentions are, it’s true that my sister and I can live well together thanks to that person… Shouldn’t I be grateful for that…?”

”What are you talking about! It’s their trick to make us think that way! Mom and Dad too! You coaxed us out like that and ended up running away! Am I wrong!?”

”Ugh, uhm… okay····.”

He said he enlightened his naive little brother about the reality.

I vaguely remember being quite elated.

Because when I was sternly urging my younger brother, who was still chasing his dream, I could have fallen into the illusion that I had become an adult.

”Never allow your heart to him! The letter is also moderately pleasing!”

It’s a bit embarrassing, but it’s only been a few years since then.

I gave him heart and body.

What made me think that I want to give my all.