210 – Self (4)

#8

The handshake is the first thing to say of an apology.

“Nonsense.”

I waited patiently. Until Mew threw up my feelings.

“This is nonsense. This….”

Mu shook her head. Quivering lips. In disbelief, he looked down at me with empty eyes.

Though I couldn’t accurately penetrate Mew’s feelings, as I had become blunted by my emotions over and over again, I could feel that she was sad.

Ah, that’s right.

She made me sad again. I knew.

Couldn’t there have been a better way?

“Why are you saying that now?”

It was the best.

And it’s already too late.

“How far are you going to make me miserable… ?”

It was the opposite.

“Now you are thinking of talking to me.”

“Don’t be funny.”

Myu bites his teeth.

“It doesn’t matter who I get close to you. Why are you wondering about that Ask me what to do.”

“… ….”

“Why, do you worry that I won’t be alone anymore? Up until now, you thought it was your own toy, but now that it’s going to fall into someone else’s hands, are you really sad? Is that why you came to retrieve me?”

Toys.

I’ve never thought of it that way.

But….

Myu must have felt that way.

It’s my fault.

I raised her head resignedly. He did not avoid Mu’s gaze. The heat is transmitted all the way here. Myu’s hand that gripped her sword was trembling.

“Are you like this? Is it fun if you do this to me? Are you laughing? Are you happy? Can you smile like that when you see me now?”

“I didn’t laugh.”

As he said, my expression remained rigid. Mew, however, smiled indignantly. It was she who was laughing.

“You are smiling. It’s fun. It’s fun that I exploded like this because of your words. Even if it’s like me, it’ll be funny. There’s nothing more fun than manipulating people’s emotions.”

Whoa—

Hot breath escapes from between tightly closed teeth.

“Without considering the feelings of the victim.”

I did.

“Do you know what you said?”

“Right.”

It is a deception.

As for the old me, Myu approached me in a friendly way not long after Luvia rejected her confession.

Ruvia came to visit me and I’m sad that you have a girlfriend. But she wants to support you if that’s your choice ─

It’s like saying lonely.

You must be wondering what this is. Maybe.

“He said he couldn’t feel anything. He said he had no feelings for me. He told me not to cling to it in a messy way.”

As soon as she was about to open her mouth, Myu continued her words.

In a silent rage.

“I am no longer yours.”

I vomit.

“It wasn’t even a thing. I was a man! Don’t be possessive of people! Being treated like that really makes me feel bad!”

Mu cried out in anger. An echo echoed across the large gymnasium. Her voice hit the walls and ceiling and flowed back into my ears.

‘Ah.’

At that time.

Something fell on my face. It wasn’t cold sweat, it was hot tears.

A word ran through my head. My head bowed. As if it had been hit by a blunt hammer, a hazy mist formed over my head.

Possession.

Is it possessive?

Is that really all there is to it?

‘… No.’

Maybe that’s all. Word says, my head says it’s okay to go anywhere, but I’m still holding Mew. Even I did not know. No, of my own will.

Because I don’t want you to stick around with other men.

That’s what I hate.

‘I don’t think so.’

Is it possible to have such feelings for a woman you don’t even love? Maybe I’m really looking at her as her thing? In the first place, if we were just normal friends, it wouldn’t matter at all who hung out with whom. Why do I want to tie her up?

If it’s not love, there’s only one answer.

It is possessive.

‘… No!’

I realized why my heart was strange when I saw Rubia and Mew. I wanted to leave the girls obsessed with me as my property. The psychology of compensation for the difficult days was fully demonstrated. I just didn’t want to let them go for that ugly reason!

‘Shut up!’

That this is my true intention….

I didn’t want to admit it. So I kept denying it. With the excuse of being numb to emotions, he pushed Mew and Rubia away. In fact, if they get farther away, the person who will miss the most is herself, not anyone else!

‘Because it’s not! Please shut up!’

“Heo Eok—”

Temporary confusion arose as if they had emerged from a very dark and deep place on the surface. The feeling of vomiting that came up in an instant made me choke my throat. He took a deep breath and put his hand on his forehead.

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Just now, what was it?

“…… What. What is it all of a sudden?”

“… ….”

As my blurry vision became clear again, the distance of Mu that had come right in front of my nose was a little farther away.

I opened my eyes wide and looked at Mew, then looked down. Her hands on the floor were trembling slightly.

Her vagina, biting her lip and gripping her bottom.

A quiet voice comes from the front.

“Are my words shocking? Sorry, I’m more than….”

Yeah, I knew it would be like this. I knew that someday this time would come. I wanted to be a little quiet. Because they are driven to the end and driven, they explode.

There’s no way there won’t be any problems from a sick mind.

While shaking off all the memories of the past that were flooding in through the hole, I made my decision more firm.

Even if you’re right.

‘That doesn’t change the fact that I have to apologize.’

Not everything needs to be resolved.

I didn’t think it would be resolved at once anyway.

Slowly, as I said to Rubia.

Like that, little by little….

You can change it.

“I’m sorry.”

I dragged her body back as I spoke. Because Mew was slightly away from me, she was able to move. She calmed her muscles, which were shaking from the contest she had just had.

“What….”

Mew furrowed her brow at the words that came out of her mouth. It’s like I’m silently watching what I’m going to do.

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Just then,

Kung.

“Uh.”

A small sound escaped from Mew’s mouth.

I slowed down and put her on one knee. And the other one too. He placed his hands on his thighs and bowed his head deeply.

What should I do to make a sincere apology?

I thought about it hundreds of times, but this was the only thing.

“I never thought of you that way. Not even once.”

Killed all pride. Put it all down

“I hope you are doing well here. No need to be uncomfortable because of me.”

Ultimately it was true for me, but also for Mew’s sake I had to apologize. Just by looking at the emotions Mu just vomited up on me, I can realize how much I have suffered. If we are in the same space, it will be very difficult in many ways. In so many ways.

“I sincerely apologize. Everything I said back then was my mistake, and it was my fault. I’m really reflecting on my selfish act of thinking only of me without thinking of you at all. To the point where you would want to go back and kill me if you could.”

“… ….”

“I’m sorry. I hate to see you, but please forgive me.”

A favor with infinite possibilities.

Because he lowered his head, he is only staring at the floor. So, I couldn’t confirm what Mew’s expression was like, and whether or not Mew was here.

“Ha.”

The moment I heard the sound, I lifted her head slightly.

Myu was watching me at eye level.

Suddenly, her mouth twisted.

“This is how it felt.”

Aha, ahahahaha. Do.

She laughed very little.

Mu thought the whole situation was funny.

“It’s dirty, but it feels good. It’s a really strange feeling…. A person who did not respond no matter how ugly she held her down on her knees. What can I say about this feeling? Did you say no?”

Her eyes twitch and she giggles.

“Oh, really….”

They suddenly stiffened and looked at me.

“Did you think an apology was the end?”

“No.”

“You were the one who asked me to ignore you.”

“… Yes.”

“But what? Please forgive? What if I forgive you?”

“… You will know that now.”

“Do you think I will forgive you?”

“I hope so.”

Mew burst into laughter again as if she had gone mad at my impudence. The laughter died down and was transformed into her silent whispers.

“You know what? I was having such a hard time because of you, but you played hahahaha with other girls outside. Knowing that I was clearly watching that.”

“… ….”

“I know you are having a hard time. I can roughly understand what the problem you are having. But I am also human. I can’t understand and embrace everything.”

“Yes. Sorry.”

“Are you really sorry?”

“Yes. Sincerely.”

“Yeah, I feel sorry for you too. A lot. But I can’t tell you here. I can’t tell you now. Because i already told you After hearing all of that, you said you forgive me. But he couldn’t be with me even as friends, so he asked me to leave him alone. You’re the one who refused to be even a normal friend. Ezio.”

“… ….”

“How am I supposed to take your apology now?”

“As is.”

As if she was running out of breath because she spoke so quickly because of her emotions, Mew left a brief gap between her and continued her words.

“You want to be friends again? Or do you want to start over with friends? Or do you want to go back?”

“… ….”

“What do you want and ask for my forgiveness?”

What do you want?

That’s right….

“If you want to be friends, is there any reason to say sorry? Then you won’t react to me even if I go out with another man. Rather, I said that I would support you. Right?”

When it comes to common sense only, that’s right.

That’s right….

Having been honest with myself, I slowly shake my head.

“That’s not true… think.”

“… Why?”

Myu, who is a bit slow to respond, asks in succession.

That question stuck in my chest.

“Do you really like me?”

“… ….”

Do you like Mew?

… No. I do not know yet.

“Why, why there is no answer. What are you thinking about?”

I can’t say that with certainty. One important thing is the feeling of being empty. Then am I not playing with people’s minds? No, in order for that to happen, there must be a premise that Mew eventually likes me.

After thinking for a long time, I opened my mouth.

“I don’t know.”

“… I don’t know, do you?”

Myu blinked and muttered blankly.

“What is that….”

An ambiguous answer that is not like or dislike.

Myu has always hated this kind of talk.

So I thought she would get angry right away….

An unexpected response came back.

As if the traces of the tears shed just now were bothering her, Mew rubbed her eyes with her index finger, and then said with a face full of energy.

“Uh, I’m dumbfounded…. Previously, he had been extremely rejected… It’s like I’ve come to realize my preciousness, is it a development that’s likely to come out of that common old romance novel? If that’s the case, is it really nonsense? Really?”

“That might be right.”

The atmosphere flows strangely. I sighed.

“I overlooked it. How important your presence is to me.”

“What, what… ….”

Mu is startled. I said without stopping.

“It was harder than I thought for you to treat me coldly. Of course I pushed it first so I thought it would be okay, but it wasn’t. Then, the old memories kept coming back to me. Comparing between you and me now.”

“… ….”

“It was hard to deal with that difference. That’s all.”

I said it honestly. The old memories with Mew remained in me as an unforgettable memory for the rest of my life. Occasionally, it floated and floated. Regardless of time and circumstances.

It was wrong from the beginning to try to dismiss those precious memories as nonexistent. Like the last time, it was impossible unless the memories were erased.

Above all, I haven’t lost all my emotions. If that was the case, I wouldn’t have been able to remain human.

There were still many joys and sorrows inside me. No matter how small and about to go out, the embers were embers. It was not all burnt and nothing but ashes.

This is a fact I realized through my reunion with them.

If I sincerely wish for myself, I wonder if one day I can overcome all these difficulties and go back to normal.

Even if it is impossible now.

As always, if you don’t give up and work hard, someday.

“What you want from someone you’ve already cut off is not just a friendship, I don’t know if you like me, I don’t want you to date a lover, and I want you to get close with me again…” ….”

When I looked at them one by one, they were such rubbish remarks.

I know. That’s why I expressed my best apology.

“… Ahahahaha, if anyone other than me had heard this, they would have slapped me in the face. Whoever sees it is trying to play with it, this.”

No, Mew, I think you would have squeezed harder.

And it will never end with one cheek.

“… ….”

“… ….”

How much silence had passed like that.

Mu pulled down the zipper of his sweatpants as if he was feeling stuffy all of a sudden. Inside, a white nape full of sweat and moisture was exposed.

“Haa….”

Sigh.

“That’s funny. Situation like this. I never thought I’d be in this position in front of you. I, who always only looked at you, was like this…….”

Resignation.

“You know what I just said is a very unreasonable request from my point of view, right?”

“Of course.”

“Then, shouldn’t there be a price appropriate for that?”

I blinked at those words.

“… Cost?”

“Yes, the price.”

I don’t know from when, but the atmosphere right now wasn’t bad. I thought it would be one of the two, either swearing at me and being beaten or being ignored at all, but Mew listened to me better than I thought.

I was angry. Although she even cried.

In the end, he talked with me to the end.

It means that there was a will from the beginning.

… Was it

Now I can’t help but think that I’m really foolish.

I did such a nasty thing, but Mew still cared about me.

“If you’re really really sorry and want me to forgive you, then you come all the way here yourself—”

Suddenly, Mu put the sword down on the ground. She ran her hand through her sweat-drenched hair and tucked it behind her back. Then she spread her arms wide to the left and right of her. Aww. It’s like she’s trying to hug a big doll.

‘… Yes?’

I am racking my brain trying to understand the intent of her actions, but she opens her mouth before completing her analysis.

“Kiss me.”

“…… What?”

…… Did i hear wrong?

“Are you in trouble? Then think this way.”

While I was confused and confused, Myu tilted her head.

Looks like what’s the problem.

It doesn’t seem strange at all.

“This is a friendship kiss. Without love.”

“… ….”

Ah, I did.

Myu was originally like this.

… I completely forgot.