80 – last handful

The elder who called me to be a disciple… no, Kaian, who had been living as a dark elf, was dragged away by the black chain, and Rachel became an elder and remained in the village according to Kaian’s words.

It’s been a month since we said goodbye to Rachel, who smiled at us, no matter how complicated it must be.

A month passed, but nothing special happened.

Go back to the north, take the bodies and belongings of the gods, and head to the place Kaian said.

Ah, come to think of it, something a little special happened.

It rained heavily a week ago. In the ruins I went to avoid the rain, the pendant I wished for was lying in a dusty state.

I was momentarily puzzled by the pendant found elsewhere in my last life, but my curiosity was swallowed up by tranquility.

In the tranquility that came back, I prayed for the curse to be lifted, but it was meaningless.

wasn’t disappointed with it.

The curse was not lifted in the previous life, so I was not disappointed.

is not it? Were you disappointed?

I can’t remember the feelings of that moment.

It deserves it.

I can’t even remember the feelings I felt yesterday, so how can I remember the feelings from a week ago?

With such useless thoughts, I moved on.

I walked diligently and looked at Iris.

She is walking quietly.

Her profile looks a little more emaciated than before.

If it had been a while ago, I would have been sad to see her like that. I would have been worried

I would have been in so much pain.

It’s not like that now.

Only a handful of bitterness is felt.

Even that is an emotion that passes by in an instant.

When I look away from her for a moment, the bitterness disappears and I feel calm again.

It’s such an infinitely light and shallow feeling, but I want to hold on to it, so I put her in my eyes.

After struggling like that, the day started to come to a close.

Read at noblemtl.com

Looking up at the sky, my shallow emotions were blown away by the wind.

I looked at her to capture the emotions I had lost, and our eyes met.

When I met her gaze, my heart fluttered a little.

maybe it’s sadness is not it? Pity? Are you worried?

You can’t even distinguish emotions anymore.

You can’t tell the emotions apart, but you can smile.

So I looked at her and smiled.

Just like you always did.

A faint smile crept across her slightly emaciated face.

Seeing her like that makes me feel a little sick.

“Alik, why are you crying?”

When I closed my eyes at her words, I felt cold.

I was a little surprised by that fact.

I was cursed and never cried.

It’s only when you’re in a state where you can’t even distinguish your emotions, that you cry.

It’s funny.

I thought so, and said nothing.

“Something got into your eyes.”

Concern crept across her face at the commonplace statement.

Then she came up to me and grabbed my cheek.

and blew air through his mouth.

“Are you okay now?”

“Thanks to you, I am fine.”

Something that wasn’t there from the beginning disappeared at her words.

Still, for some reason, the cold continued to feel on his cheeks.

i won’t understand that

I wiped away the tears without understanding it.

The incomprehensible tears dried, and we found a place to spend the night and prepared a meal.

I looked at her as I filled my stomach with a stew of the venison I caught yesterday.

Their eyes met again.

A faint smile crept across her face again.

“Your cooking is always delicious.”

If I had heard of it in the past, I would have been excited and excited in my heart, saying that it was worth working hard for the children and her. You can’t even smile now.

He couldn’t smile, so he gave a fake smile that he was used to.

“I’m glad that’s the case.”

The conversation ended with that.

It’s because we hang out every day and there’s nothing more to say.

So I’m used to this silence.

yes, i’m used to it

I filled my stomach with useless thoughts like that again.

The stew ran out and I heard the words I always heard.

“Thank you, I ate well. Thank you as always.”

As always at her words, instead of answering, she smiled.

There was not a single bit of emotion in that smile anymore, but it was a habit now, so I smiled like that.

A faint smile appeared on her face, as if that smile had been enough of an answer.

With a light smile, she came over to me and tried to take the bowl.

It must be trying to wash the dishes.

In response to her actions, I grabbed her hand.

“I’ll do it.”

“Since you cooked, it’s right for me to clean up after myself.”

“It is what I like to do. It’s my little pleasure, so please don’t.”

Since the old days, whenever she tried to wash the dishes, she said this every time.

Perhaps, he hated doing her dirty work and wanted to be of some help to her.

I can’t recall that mind now. It is deeply engraved in the memory and body.

I just moved along the engraving.

So I took her bowl and cleaned it up.

After cleaning up, I went back to the tent.

So, she caught my eye in a thin shirt.

She opened her mouth to a dress that did not match the outfit of the chilly night with the arrival of autumn.

“Iris, it’s chilly, so you might want to dress a little warmer.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to worry because I’ll sleep with you today too.”

As she said that, she pulled me in.

I surrendered to that power and was dragged into her arms.

I can clearly feel her warmth.

That warmth is not transmitted to the heart like in the past.

does she know that? You probably know.

She lived this life, so she should know better than I do.

As I was thinking that, I heard her words that I always heard.

“You worked hard today. Have a nice dream.”

“Have a nice dream.”

After saying that, he kissed her.

After a light kiss, she hugged me and closed her eyes.

I couldn’t sleep yet, so I looked at her without closing my eyes.

While doing so, I realized one thing.

I realized that my emotions were no longer indistinguishable, but that they were too small to feel.

I realized that, but I don’t feel anything.

I just think that what is to come has come.

Thinking so, I continued to look at her.

Now, I cling to emotions that are not even a handful like a habit.

A little bit of that meaningless time passed, and I started to fall asleep little by little.

I tried to close my eyes at the sensation, but I saw water droplets pouring from her closed eyes.

As my body remembered, I stretched out my hand and wiped away the tears, and my quiet heart squirmed.

In the midst of that wriggling, the feelings I had almost forgotten returned faintly.

Emotions returned lightly, and he muttered quietly as he stroked her hair.

“You live in a world like this.”

She lived in such a faded world.

A world where everything is worthless and you don’t feel the need to do anything for no reason.

She lived in such a dry, terrible world.

After realizing that fact, I was able to understand her in the other life.

I was able to understand her who was only obligated, who couldn’t even show her face to the children, who was always expressionless, and who never changed her eyes.

Read at noblemtl.com

Living in a world like this, you have no choice but to be like that.

The world is so worthless, how can you care about anything else?

How can I smile when the world is so desolate.

Everything in the world is the same, so how can anything change?

So she must have lived that way.

I was able to understand her in the midst of a terrible curse.

that’s funny and sad

As I think about it, I feel a sense of calm come over me again.

I feel that even these shallow emotions are disappearing.

I hold on to my emotions to resist them, but they slip through my hands.

When I was feeling the emotions draining away like that, I felt that if all these emotions escaped, that would be the end.

that’s so disappointing

And I’m afraid.

I’m afraid that tomorrow’s me won’t understand how to convey the smile I made to her, how to do what I should do while recalling old memories, and how to try not to say insensitive words.

I am afraid that I will not understand myself and hurt her. I am afraid that I will be in pain like the old me.

It’s so scary that it makes my heart ache, but it’s futile that I can’t stop it.

Even this futility is fading away.

The color of the world that had returned for a moment had almost disappeared, and only her color remained pale.

Now even that color is gone.

Before a handful of color escaped, I kissed her on the forehead.

and muttered quietly.

“Iris, I’m sorry. I don’t think I’ll be able to smile from tomorrow.”

The words dissipated, and the rain fell and wet her cheeks.

I blocked the rain with my hand.

So, with my hand blocking the rain, I made a low wish.

“Give her the strength to face tomorrow.”

I let go of my last feelings, hoping that she would overcome the pain that would come tomorrow.