45 – oath and warmth

I stared blankly at her as she left a message asking her to forget what she said and ran out.

Reason shouted to chase after her, but he couldn’t because his emotions were fluctuated by her sudden words. The fluctuating emotions drove out reason and took control of thoughts. The emotions that dominated the thoughts gave rise to questions.

What the hell happened, did the children’s names come out of her mouth…

That question can be found out by visiting her.

It’s so simple to know, but the fluctuating emotions prevented it, and asked me a question.

‘If she, like you, saw the memories of the previous life, what would you do?’

I did not have an easy answer to that question. The more you think about the answer to the question that cannot be easily answered, the more the scars of the past throb. With that throbbing, the remnants of emotions raised their heads.

From the remnants of emotions that had rotted away, a terrible pain flowed out. While the pain tried to shake me, the heart and vow to love her grabbed me and threw a question.

‘Were all your confessions and oaths false?’

It’s not a lie. I still love her, and I will definitely rescue her from the curse.

‘Then why can’t I answer?’

It’s because… I’m afraid. I’m afraid of her disappearing now. I’m afraid that she will disappear, who gives me a warm face and does not hide her feelings. I’m afraid that the girl I love will disappear.

Because I was afraid of that, I wanted to deny the question. So I hesitated and couldn’t answer.

‘Then can I answer now?’

I don’t know. No… I know the truth. Foolish me, I will love the woman who has regained her memory, and live to break her curse.

However, the depth of the heart must be different from now.

I can’t love the girl who didn’t even show me a single point of emotion and the girl who let me know her warmth.

You cannot love the woman who only hurt you and the woman who healed you in pain.

It is disrespectful to the current woman to love the same woman who ignored even her feelings for her and the woman who pushed me away and was pierced with a spear instead.

this is my answer

As I answered the question that had been ringing in my ears, the voices that kept asking questions fell silent.

In the quiet world, I felt a bitter taste and babbled.

“…I hope not.”

In the empty room, my bitter sigh resounded and scattered. Now that the sighs have dissipated, it’s time for the truth to be ascertained.

I moved heavy steps to find her who had disappeared as if running away. His heavy steps went to all the places where she might be, but she was nowhere to be seen.

I wondered if there was a misunderstanding, so I went back to her room and places where she might be, and I grabbed the servants and asked them, but I couldn’t find her.

As I kept looking for her who suddenly disappeared somewhere, a memory passed through my head. The day she and I had a strange dream, she visited the room I was using in the annex.

With that memory in mind, I turned my steps toward the annex.

When I opened the door of the outbuilding located in a secluded place and went in, I heard sobs. The mournful sobs were the same as the sobs heard in the dream. The sadness contained in the sobs that filled the annex filled my heart.

I embraced my sorrow-stained heart and walked toward her.

The more I walked towards her, the clearer my sobs became, the clearer the sadness that colored my heart, and the darker the color of my heart.

When my heart was so thick that it was hard to dye it any more, I saw her crying. Seeing her sad face for the first time, my heart that could no longer contain the sadness exploded.

In the broken heart, pain surges. The pain erased the purpose of coming here and the thoughts he had agonized over.

In the place where they were erased, only one heart remained. The feelings I had on the day I swore to her.

With that heart in mind, in order to repay the heart she had for me in this life. And to keep the oath, I turned to her.

——————

The more I looked at him, the more vivid the painful and sad dream became.

I ran away because I couldn’t handle the dream that became clearer, but the dream continues to become clearer and flickers in front of my eyes. The clearer dream showed illusions and hallucinations.

Children hugging an unrecognizable man and crying and their cries. They disturbed my heart and revived the pain that engulfed me.

I wake up from my dream, and the dead pain revives and consumes me again. The pain that came back made my reason blur and the pain ran down my eyes.

With my reason and vision blurring, I ran endlessly to escape from them. The steps that ran away without even a destination stopped in front of the annex for some reason.

In front of the outbuilding that stopped, a woman wearing the wide-brimmed red hat she had seen in her dream appeared. The sudden appearance of a woman attracted me like in a dream. I was taken by the woman again and reached the room where the children were crying.

The woman let go of my hand and scattered. The woman dispersed, and the dream scene unfolded again. It was a merging of the dream he had seen today and the dream he had repeatedly had until now.

The corpse of a man with his face covered, crying children. And me holding on to the body and crying.

The cries of me and the children mixed and resounded, and the emotions contained in the sounds flowed into me. The emotion that flowed in was too heavy and thick guilt.

That guilt entangled me and consumed my heart. The guilt-ridden heart spewed out sorrow and tore itself apart. In the heart of self-injury, vivid pain came and sadness flowed.

A sharp pain and sadness engulfed me, and when I was unable to do anything but cry, I heard a terrifying, ominous woman’s voice.

“Your karma is so heavy.”

Unlike the heavy words, his voice was mixed with laughter. The voice mixed with laughter continued.

“Can you continue to bear this heavy karma?”

With those words, a cold hand touched my cheek.

“I can help.”

The voice was tinged with laughter, somehow eerie and ominous, but it sounded so sweet.

“No, my help has already begun. So wait a little bit.”

The voice, whose tone changes as I speak, disperses, and the dream oppresses me again. The children’s sobs and my sobs mingled with each other, and the sadness and pain that consumed me began to fade little by little.

However, the speed of the blur was too slow, and I couldn’t handle the emotions that kept flowing in. I continued to vomit those unmanageable feelings.

When I was pouring out my emotions like that, I felt the warmth. The warmth embraced me and lightened the emotions that flowed in.

“Princess, no, Iris. The day I asked you to break up the engagement. You didn’t even rebuke me, you didn’t even ask why. I will too.”

Along with his warmth, his warm voice blocked the emotions from flowing in.

“I won’t ask why you asked that question. I will not rebuke you for leaving as if you were running away. I won’t ask why you are crying so sadly.”

The day I saw his tears. Words similar to the phrases in the letter I wrote to him flowed out of his mouth with warmth.

“If that feeling is because of me, I will keep you out of sight until you calm down.”

With those words, the warmth that embraced me grew a little warmer.

“If that’s not the case, I’ll stand by your side and share your sorrow.”

At those words, the emotions that had flowed in were scattered.

“If even that is not enough, tell me. For your sake, I will do as I please.”

In the place where the flowing emotions were scattered, his warmth and warmth were filled, and the pain he had been spitting out stopped.

All the emotions and pain that had been bothering me were all scattered, but I was so happy at this moment that I just stayed there without saying anything.

A little bit of a warm time without words passed, and a little greed came up. That greed tempted me, and I opened my mouth to the temptation.

“Are you really doing what you want?”

“Yes. I will do as you will.”

The resolute, warm words made her greed more inflated. That swollen greed took advantage of his warmth.

“In that case, please call me by name from now on.”

“I will. Iris.”

When we first met in spring, it wasn’t until the day winter began that my name came out of his mouth. It was a long wait, but the fruit was so sweet that it fully paid off the long wait.

“And, can I ask you one more thing?”

“I’ll listen to whatever you like.”

“Then, stay like this a little longer.”

“I will.”

Feeling his warmth for a while, I erased the dream.