Chapter 124 – The Past and the Future

“Can I borrow your bike, mom?”

After receiving my mom’s permission, I went outside the house.

I put my bag in the basket and pedaled the bike. The wind felt good. Autumn was coming. The sunlight had started to become colder and soon enough, I wouldn’t need to put on sunscreen anymore.

I continued pedaling for a while and before I knew it, there was a slope in front of me.  A large bridge came into view. It was the Taihaku Bridge. Below the majestic bridge, the Natori River flew in all its glory. I turned away before reaching the bridge, followed the road along the river and then descended the slope to the riverbed. 

When I almost reached the rock-filled riverbank, I stopped my bike. This place was covered by shade because of the Tohoku-Shinkansen bullet train line. People didn’t normally come to this area, so it was practically deserted here.

“So heavy…”

I took out my bag from the basket, held it with both hands and walked along the riverbank. Stones of various sizes ranging from tangerine-sized stones to stones as big as a grown-man’s head were scattered below my feet. I treaded around the path carefully. If I were to slip and fall, I wouldn’t get away with only small bruises.

When I found a good spot on the riverbank, away from the grass patch, I placed my bag down. Then, I gathered some stones to make a small circle.

I opened the bag. There were a total of seventeen notebooks inside. Inside these notebooks were everything that I had written down back when I still had my dual personality. I placed them down in the middle of the circle of stones. 

The reason why I wrote in these notebooks was so that both personalities of mine could live their lives without any hitch.

Because we didn’t share our memories, these notes were the only way for us to keep each other up to date with our lives. However, after that day, the day when my father died, all the memories I had forgotten and all the memories she previously had suddenly came back to me. Along with those memories, both my personalities merged into one. Ever since that day, writing on the notebooks has become pointless, so I stopped doing it.

The only reason I’ve been keeping them around was because of Sui. These notebooks were the only way for me to reminisce about him. For the longest time, I was unable to remember him, but deep in my heart, I knew for sure that it was him who always stayed by my side all this time.

Recently, I remembered everything about him.

And so, there was no reason for me to keep these notebooks anymore. Everything about him was stored in my head now. I thought about keeping them, but I was afraid that my dark past would haunt me for the rest of my life if I were to do that. There were more bad things than good if I were to keep them around.

I grabbed a match from inside my bag.

There was something called ‘Otokiage’ in Japan. Otokiage was basically burning charms or dolls as offerings to the gods. There were things that were hard for us to let go because of various things like guilt. To show our resolve, we would burn those things with fire. The same fire used for memorial service. In a way, it also served as a goodbye to those things that we burned.

I lit up the match.

“Now everything is over…”

I lit the edge of the notebook stack with the fire. The fire spread quickly and turned the notebooks into scorching black. Not long after, the fire turned into a blaze. I sat on a large stone as I listlessly stared at the flames.

Memories of my grade school days came flashing in my mind. Memories of my father, memories back when I was in my first and second year of middle school. I managed to remember everything that I had forgotten, including my precious memories with Sui.

Somehow looking at the burning notebooks felt comforting to me. The ashes flew away following the wind that came passing by, carrying the words I had written into the clear blue sky.

I remembered that day on February 14th. The day when my personalities merged.

My other self disappeared. Compared to the poisonous rose, that girl was like a field of tulips. But, it didn’t feel like she was completely gone. Her memories, the memories I previously didn’t know about were now mine.

I understood what exactly happened to me now.

Our ‘existences’ had completely merged. All the memories we couldn’t share with each other previously were now available to me.

But that brought a new question to me. The personality I currently have, was it the poisonous rose? Or was it the other one? Or maybe it was a whole new personality?

“I’m probably… The poisonous rose, huh?”

The feeling I had about me being the poisonous rose was strong. My other self said that she was a new personality that was born out of nowhere. Besides that, there was also my habit of treating her as ‘my other self’ instead of  ‘myself’.

Before I knew it, the notebooks had been reduced to ashes. I buried those ashes below a grave of stones.

With this, I am no longer bound by my past. From now on, I’ll only live for the future.

*   *   *

Autumn of my second year of university.

I was still working at my part-time job. By now, they had entrusted me with various tasks, including making POPs for the books’ sales. I had been thinking about getting a permanent job, but recently, I started to think that staying as a clerk of a bookstore didn’t sound bad. I heard that there were fewer opportunities for literature graduates to get a job in their field compared to the science graduates, so having a clear option like this would be good for me. 

Since it was currently break time, I was sitting in the break room while trying to catch my breath. I opened my phone and found two missed calls from an unknown number. At first, I was unsure whether I should call them back or not. But since they called twice in less than an hour and I didn’t give my number to a lot of people in the first place, I guessed that they were probably someone I knew.

I called them back and the person on the other end immediately answered.

“Hello, I’m from X editorial department. Is it true that this is Hiwa Arina-sama I’m speaking with?”

“Ah, yes! I’m Hiwa Arina.”

I stood up and held my hand on my chest.

After that, the person kept on talking. It was a call to confirm my identity and whether or not I wanted to accept the prize for a novel contest that I participated in last winter. I accepted it without much thinking. I didn’t have the composure to think much about it to begin with. Every part of my body was on autopilot, I nodded when I needed to and answered when I had to.

When the call ended, I collapsed on my chair. My hands were still trembling and my heartbeat was still beating quickly.

“I’m not dreaming, right?…”

As soon as I calmed down, I started to rack my brain wildly. What should I do now? Would they make me show my face in front of the crowds? Was everything a dream?

I quickly set those questions aside as a wave of joy came rushing over me. I sat up and flailed my arms and legs like a little girl. I kept my mouth closed to repress my urge to scream, but that didn’t stop my voice from leaking out.

“Oh, no, it’s time.”

Before I knew it, my break time was almost over.

I hurriedly straightened my disheveled clothes and left the break room. I skipped my steps and hummed a random tune unknowingly when I walked. I couldn’t see my face in the mirror, but there should be a sickening grin plastered there.

Along with my skipping steps, I started imagining myself in the future.

TL: Iyo

ED: Dodo