Chapter 156 – Florida Man Breaks into House and Set New Guinness World Record of Longest Poop on House Owner’s Bed

After Leo had left, Yan Xiang leaned back in his chair. The back of his clothes was drenched in sweat.

The others also let out a long sigh. They thought that Leo would have killed them as Yan Xiang was too aggressive. Fortunately, they didn’t need to use the hidden talismans on their bodies.

Yan Xiang had prepared a killing array in the throne room. Had Leo attacked anybody, the array would have activated and unleashed yellow lightning bolts on him. However, by doing so, some of the people here would have died.

They were glad that they didn’t fight.

“That was nerve-wracking. I thought he would have attacked us first.”

Yan Xiang was relieved. Then, he glared at Yan Luo and reprimanded him.

“You and your smart mouth almost got us killed! What were you thinking provoking an immortal!?”

Yan Luo snorted as he found nothing wrong in his action. Moreover, he was confident in his new weapon, which he had salvaged from the spaceship that he had obtained.

The prince pulled out a homemade pistol, which he had replicated it from an old blueprint in the ship. The pistol could only shoot one bullet at a time, and it looked fragile. However, Yan Luo reinforced it with his metal element Qi, and he was confident in his creation.

“I wish he attacked us, Father. I would have killed him with this new artifact.”

Yan Xiang glanced at Yan Luo’s gun and snorted. He had seen its firepower, and he was disappointed in it.

“At best, it can kill a quasi-immortal if we use a dozen fully-charged essence stones as bullets. I doubt it can kill him.”

“We can try. Actually, we can even test it in the tournament. Yan Zhu will be disguised as one of our representatives and join the tournament, right? We’ll let him use it.”

Yan Xiang thought of the useless third prince, aka Yan Zhu. The latter had been consuming tea of rejuvenation for a long time, and his appearance should be as young as a teenager by now.

The other clan representatives also grinned. As this tournament was special, they had been investing in the tea of youth, turning some of their elders into teenagers to join this event.

Yan Xiang massaged his forehead. He prayed that this plan would work.

“As we have agreed upon, all sects and clans will disguise their strongest elders as young participants. The agents will kill Florida Man’s disciples and representatives to teach him a lesson. I don’t care if you send your quasi-immortal ancestor or patriarch there. I want the result!”

The tournament was rigged from the start. Yan Xiang’s group plotted to send their strongest fighters to murder Gao Yan and others to get their revenge.

“After we use the contract to remove Florida Man from the continent, we will eradicate the Life Sword Sect and send their heads to Florida Man as a parting gift! And once our ancestors arrive, they will deal with him!”

The crowd smiled and saluted their emperor.

“You are wise, Your Majesty. This stratagem is perfect. We will surely get him!”

Yan Xiang nodded in satisfaction. His confidence soared as he wished to see Leo’s reaction tomorrow. Also, he reminded his men.

.

.

Meanwhile, the servant guided Leo, Esen, and their group to the prepared courtyard.

However, there was an issue. The courtyard’s quality was questionable.

The rotting wooden buildings smelled like moldy flour. Dust and leaves formed a thick layer on the road and floor. All buildings featured no door or coverable window. Moreover, no furniture remained in any building or courtyard.

This place was long abandoned!

The servant sweated profusely as he looked at the dark faces of Leo and others. He then repeated what Yan Xiang had told him.

“T-The emperor said that your “banquet” food is stored in the kitchen, senior.”

“…”

Cat was the first to react. She rushed toward the general direction of the kitchen. But a minute later, she came back with a bowl, full of moldy grain pills.

“No Nom-Nom Meow!!”

“…”

Leo deeply inhaled and glared at the servant. He pulled the latter’s collar.

“So, can you explain what your emperor was doing? Is this bullying?”

“I-I’m sorry, senior! I-I’m following his order! This is not my idea!”

“Hmph!”

Leo dropped the servant. He fell on his butt and ran away in fright. Fortunately, Leo didn’t directly touch him, or he would have died on the spot.

Esen, Xu Nuan, Tiger Swordsman, and the disciples looked disappointed. The elf girl crossed her arms and looked at the desolate courtyard.

“So, where is our banquet and food?”

Leo walked toward Cat and picked up a rotten grain pill. After Leo touched it, the rotten pill shone and transformed into a black pill. Then, he flickered it into Cat’s mouth.

“Meow <3”

Cat ate it in glee. She chewed it several times and opened her mouth, waiting for Leo to continue feeding her.

Leo laughed and picked up more expired pills. He let his radiation convert everything into black pills and tossed them into her mouth.

While feeding Cat, Leo warned Esen and others.

“There won’t be any banquet. It seems that the emperor doesn’t welcome us here.”

Leo told everybody about the meeting earlier and his agreement with Yan Xiang.

After hearing the bet, Esen smirked, “You scammed them, you sick geezer! But why do you want them to visit your domain?”

Tiger Swordsman and Gao Yan wryly smiled as they had seen how Leo dealt with intruders. Still, he didn’t understand how Leo did it.

“You wouldn’t get it.”

“???”

“You don’t have to worry about that. For now, we have to deal with the issues at hand first.”

Leo turned around and told the crowd to settle in.

“I’ll sneak into the palace’s kitchen and fetch us food and wine. You all wait here.”

“Oh?” Esen smirked, “Can I go with you?”

“Suit yourself.”

“HEHEHEHEHE!!”

.

.

A few minutes later…

Racing on an empty road behind the palace were two 1-meter-tall cardboard boxes with small holes in the front. Leo and Esen, who hid themselves in the uncanny boxes with anime logos, moved as fast as cockroaches in a dark kitchen.

After slipping through the unsuspected patrolling soldiers, both of them reached a storehouse behind the palace kitchen. They stopped to scan the area.

“Hey, geezer,” Esen whispered. “Had we done this normally, we would have gotten the food already. Why the boxes?”

“Shush!” Leo looked left and right. Then, he lifted the box to show his face. He looked at Esen, who peeked through the cardboard boxes using the two front holes.

“This is the ultimate art of Solid Snake, brat. With cardboard boxes, we are John Cena!”

“What the hell are you talking about!?”

“Trust me. It will work.”

“…”

Esen was at a loss for words because of Leo’s silliness. She grumbled, playing along with his antics.

“Fine. Lead the way.”

“Leave it to the Big Boss!”

Leo covered his body and head with the large cardboard box. He then crept closer to the storehouse, but he avoided the front entrance.

Instead of entering the building through the front entrance, Leo stayed behind the building. After getting out of the cardboard box, he touched the storehouse building’s brick wall. He linked his Qi with the spatial ring, ordering it to store a portion of the wall in his ring.

WHOOSH

The wall instantly vanished into the ring!

Leo didn’t stop there. To avoid suspicion, he entered the building and put his hand on the previously vanished wall area.

WHOOSH

Leo resummoned the wall from the spatial ring. The stone wall appeared and filled the empty hole. However, a few pieces of rock crumbled and fell to the ground.

‘Whoops. Well, nothing is perfect in this world. I should hurry.’

Inside the 100-square-meter storehouse building, Leo only found dry-aged beef, pork, and freshly butchered cows. All meat was stored in a room, surrounded by a formation of blue talismans. Cold air protruded from the array as if it acted as a freezer.

Next to the freezer array, there were human-sized barrels, containing countless living fish. shrimp, and crabs. Baskets of vegetables and fruits were also nearby.

On the opposite side of the building, stacks of wine jars filled out the wall shelves. Leo briefly counted them, but he stopped after he counted to 4.

The center of the room was also peculiar. There was a golden chest, which was tied by thick iron chains. Purple talismans on it also emitted a similar aura to the seal talismans, which had been used to seal Esen.

As for the front door, it was still closed, and it was locked from the outside. As there was no window, no light illuminated the dark storehouse.

Leo loved talismans more than anything as he could get a lot of YOL by eating them. He beelined toward the chest and touched it with his finger.

WHOOSH

The entire chest, chains, and talisman vanished into his spatial ring.

‘I don’t know what it is, but it’s mine now!’

After getting the mysterious box, Leo went around and stuffed everything in the storehouse into his spatial rings. When everything was swiped clean, Leo sneaked out from the way he came from. He used the same cardboard box as a cover and got out of the area.

Leo came back to Esen, who had been idling on a sidewalk, next to the pile of junk. When Leo came back, she complained.

“Are you done? I’m tired of sitting here.”

Leo chuckled, “We have everything. Let’s go back to hold our private banquet.”

“So, what do you get?”

“Wines, fish, meat, and stuff.”

“What about blood?”

Leo forgot that Esen’s primary food was blood. Although she didn’t need much, she still required them to sustain her existence.

“…Err. I have a few buckets of unknown animal blood with me. Do you want me to turn them to yin fluid?”

“Of course. I don’t drink fresh animal blood. At least, you should turn them into blood wine or some sort if you want to satisfy this empress!”

“…”

“Let’s look for another place. I don’t think we have enough for me and Cat.”

Esen took the lead this time. As she had been observing the buildings, she had an eye on a tall pagoda 500 meters away from the royal palace. As Esen got used to crawling, her cardboard box sprinted so fast that she disappeared into the corner of the road.

Leo sighed and followed after her, using his sensitive nose. After crawling for a few minutes, he reached the back of the pagoda. However, there was a two-meter tall brick wall, preventing Leo from getting closer.

On the surface of the wall, Leo noticed the black footprints of Esen’s leather shoes.

‘Oh, she must have gone inside already. Welp. Frog-jump, it is.’

Leo frog-jumped and leaped over the wall with ease. He landed on the other side of the wall.

ZAG-ZAG

As the other side was full of bushes, Leo’s box slipped out. He quickly grabbed it and stored it in his inventory. While he was at it, he looked around to find the traces of Esen.

Her cardboard box was also nearby. Leo didn’t forget to take it back. Then, he followed her scent.

The scent of Esen came from the top floor of the pagoda. Leo looked up and compared its size to the pagodas in Orlando Planet.

‘It’s a lot smaller than those pagodas. I guess this should be easy.’

After wiggling his butt like a cat, Leo jumped 200 meters and reached the top floor. He grabbed the ledge of the roof tiles and swung his body onto the top floor’s balcony.

Upon landing, Leo looked inside the pagoda. Then, he found a bedroom and Esen. The lich girl was busy throwing books and random objects out of the bookshelves as if she was searching for something.

“Esen, what are you doing?” Leo got into the room and looked around.

“I can smell some good pills in here. It smells like blood.”

“Oh?”

Leo’s nose twitched as he concentrated on his smelling sense. As Esen had mentioned, Leo caught a wisp of the strong iron-like smell of blood and the medical scent of pills. He sniffed a few times before he looked at the ancient stone bed.

“Hmm.”

Leo walked toward the bed and lightly knocked on its surface. However, as he exerted too much force, the bed cracked and was broken in half.

After the bed was broken, the scent got stronger. Esen stopped what she had been doing to turn her attention to Leo.

“You’ve found it?”

“Accidentally, yes.”

Leo and Esen removed the outer layer of the stone bed to see the hidden treasure underneath. After removing the obstacles, they found five metallic jars with cloth seals.

The strong scent of blood, alcohol, and medical herbs filled the room. Similar to the storehouse, the jars were inside an array of blue talismans.

“Jackpot,” Leo laughed.

Esen nodded in approval, “I call dibs on these. You can take one. I’ll take four!”

“Hey, 50/50. You take two. I take two. We drink the remaining jar.”

“Geezer, you’re not even an undead. You don’t need blood. Give me four!”

“But if I have two jars, I can research on it. If I’m lucky, I might be able to find a recipe to mass-produce these!”

“!!!”

Esen dropped her jaw. For once, she gazed at Leo in admiration.

“Deal. You take two. I take two. We drink the rest. But promise me that you will make me more of these!”

“We haven’t even tasted it yet, damn brat!”

Both the undying old man and ancient elf laughed. They stored the blood wine in their spatial rings.

But as they were about to leave, Leo’s stomach growled. He stopped moving for a moment.

“What now?” Esen could hear the growl. She had a bad feeling about this.

“You go first. I need to take a dump.”

“Pfft. This is what you get for eating too much meat and random junk. If you eat too much solid food, you need to take a shit often! Even cultivators avoid that!”

“Meh, you don’t know crap.”

Shamelessly, Leo took off his pants and underwear. He hopped on the stone bed as he had no place to drop the bombs.

Esen’s face turned dark in disgust. She jumped off the building first as she didn’t want to smell the rotten dung of a 50,000-year-old man.

.

A few minutes later, Leo created a glistening ten-meter-long black cake. He admired it for a moment as he couldn’t believe that he had accumulated this much in his bowel. After wiping his butt, Leo put on his clothes and left quietly.

Both Leo and Esen didn’t realize that they were in Yan Luo’s bedroom.