99 – traces of love

Was it some kind of habit that remains in the body?

While I was distracted by the scenery around me for a while, my feet headed toward my mother’s study.

I paused for a moment, staring blankly at the closed door of the study.

[Philli’s library]

(Phil’s study)

“……”

As if to prove the past, a silver nameplate full of traces of time.

The golden letters inscribed in it made me harbor strange tremors inside.

I quietly reached out and touched the nameplate.

ㅡTake Raiden and run away.

ㅡAnyway, I hurt my leg and can’t escape, so hurry up!

ㅡI’ll try to make time somehow…!!

Memories of the past passing by make the hardened heart pierce.

I trembled as I chewed my lips hard at the unknown feeling that was gradually filling up inside me.

The hesitant hand grabs the doorknob of the library.

The word “shimmacho” had already been erased from my mind.

Forgetting even the original purpose of leaving the room, I slowly opened the door to the study.

ㅡClack, kiik…

The door opens with a light hinge sound, and beyond that, the old bookshelves come into view.

I stood firm for a moment, then came to my senses and stepped into it.

“…Not a single thing has changed here.”

Including the time when I was a naru, my mother’s study was revisited after almost 24 years.

I walked among the tall bookshelves, brooding over memories of the past.

Although a long time of about three years has passed since my mother died, the landscape of the study has not changed much from the one in my memory.

Perhaps thanks to the continuous management of the father and the servants, the traces left by the mother were still intact in the study.

I quietly put fragments of the past in my eyes.

The desk where my mother used to do paperwork,

A chair by the window where we sometimes sat and enjoyed tea,

When Ariel and I came to visit, the old sofa that sat us down and read a story,

Even the portrait of my family hanging on the wall in the middle, which I always looked at with a smile on my face….

Every single thing that made up the library reminded me of my mother.

The image of her mother swaying in front of her eyes as she sweeps her red hair and puts a soft smile on her lips.

I felt a little dizzy from it and braced my staggering body.

“Ouch, ugh…”

A handful of moans escaped from between the lips, creating a crack in the silence that had settled in the study.

The headache that I had forgotten for a while seemed to be coming back, but I didn’t stop walking.

If you keep walking with such a dizzying view, you will reach the end of the study that has been long and long.

I finally stopped and stood in my place.

Then she slightly turned her head and looked at the bookshelf at the far end of the library.

“……It must have been about this.”

With a slight murmur, she reached out her hand toward the bookshelf.

3 spaces from the top, 4 spaces from the left, the last book among the 7 books placed there.

Picking it up, I carefully shake off the dust that was buried in it.

The book in my hand was a faded leather notebook.

A worn-out thick leather notebook, as if it had been through countless years.

{A Motherly Note}

(Memoirs as a mother)

I lightly swiped down the cover that had that written on it.

Memoirs as a mother, these notes are literally…

From the day I was born to the day before I passed away, it was a parenting diary that my mother had been steadily writing.

Every time the night comes and I can’t sleep because of loneliness and longing,

I always quietly came to the study and read this note.

When I read the notes, I felt as if my deceased mother was sitting next to me, so I was able to wash away the sadness in my heart a little.

“……”

I paused for a while, then took a deep breath and opened the note.

Paper pages turn over with a fluttering, light sound.

Familiar sentences engraved on the yellowed paper catch my eyes.

[March 28, xxxx]

I finally became a person called ‘Mother’.

The long-awaited first child with him was born.

Giving birth was far more painful than I expected,

It gave me happiness enough to cover it all up.

Black eyes resembling him, a handsome face, and a cute smile…

I still couldn’t believe that this innocent life had come out of my belly.

Perhaps it will take a little more time to accept this fact.

After discussing with him, the child’s name was decided to be named ‘Raiden’.

The name comes from the word ‘Lai-O-Lu’ in ancient letters, and it means a child of miracles.

Since it was a child who miraculously came down between me and him, I thought it was the perfect name.

What I’ve only dreamed of so far is happening in reality.

It is to the point where I am worried that I will be crushed by the overflowing happiness.

Perhaps he is too.

Unbeknownst to me, I’m wearing a sloppy smile all day long.

My little love, who came down from the sky like a miracle,

May our future path be filled with only happiness and joy.

[Record 1, finish]

“……”

Having finished reading the first entry in the notebook, I stopped for a moment holding on to the pages of the book.

The falling tears touch the old notebook.

I wiped my eyes with my hand and reached out to turn the page.

[March 29, xxxx]

This morning, I breastfeeded Raiden for the first time.

She seems to know that I’m her mother, and every time our eyes meet, she smiles a lot, it’s so cute…

[December 23, xxxx]

Today, for the first time, Raiden said ‘Mom’.

I couldn’t stand the burning joy and I cheered.

He seemed to be disappointed that he didn’t say ‘Dad’ first, but…

[April 13, xxxx]

Raiden has started to walk!

Toddling around, running around the room…

[September 18, xxxx]

second child was born

I’m going to name her ‘Ariel’…

“Ugh, huh…”

My mother’s story has been going on for hundreds or thousands of pages.

Me and Ariel growing day by day,

And the emotions my mother felt while watching us like that.

Read at noblemtl. com

Joy, Happiness, Joy…

And love, love, love.

Most of the stories in the old notebook were about me and Ariel,

Those records made me feel again how much my mother loved us.

As the pages turned, I had to wipe my eyes several times at the sight that blurred more and more.

Tears pouring hotly, leave deep burn marks in my heart.

Crossing countless stories, my hand reached the last page of the notebook before I knew it.

“……”

No records were written on this page.

Instead, there was only one small magic formula engraved on it.

A blue-colored magic spell that remained slightly faded.

I quietly brushed it down, blowing some mana onto the paper.

Then, the spell in the page, along with a weak ray of light, released the stored magic.

《Chijik…Chik……》

《My children… forever, I love you.》

“Remember when the world pushes you away and sadness weighs down you.”

“Your mom is always by your side…”

It was a kind of recording magic.

A few years ago, her own voice that her mother had melted into the very last page of her notebook right after Ariel was born.

At the nostalgic voice that shakes and grabs my ear, the cry that I have been enduring like tenacity finally bursts out.

“mother…..”

Unable to calm down his emotions, he hugged tightly the notebook his mother was holding.

The boy’s small voice, soaked in sorrow, continues to search for someone who is not here.

Ah, mother.

my dear mother

If you loved us so much, why did you leave us?

You said you would always be by my side, but why don’t you hug me right now when I’m crying?

Why did you risk your life that day… to save someone like me?

“Why the hell…”

I’ve thought about it tens of thousands of times since my mother died.

The one who died that day should have been me, not my mother.

If my mother had survived, not me, everything would have been better than it is now…

“Ugh… Ugh…”

Why am I such an ugly person?

I hurt the people I love, and I broke the love I deserved with my own hands.

Because I was stupid, many people got hurt.

In my past life, and in my current life… I’m always this messed up.

How am I supposed to live now

Carrying all the guilt, loneliness, and longing…

Do I have to live every day, suffering from the traumas I got from my previous life and the wounds in my heart?

i miss you mother

I miss the past times.

I can’t sleep every night because I miss the days when nothing was broken.

I want to run away from reality, so I spend the whole day getting drunk with acting.

How can I get it back?

What should I do…. Can I live again.

Please answer me just once…

“Mother… Mother…”

I cried for a long time, staring at the empty space without an answer.

Until I eventually lost consciousness from tears, I looked for my mother, who was not here, holding the notebook tightly in my arms.

.

.

.

And, time passed and morning came to the mansion.

Raiden was asleep, leaning against the corner of the study.

Dark traces of tears remained under his eyes, as if he had lost his mind from exhaustion from crying.

“Bocchan… why are you sleeping here…”

And the brown-haired girl who was looking down at Raiden gently reached out and wiped his eyes.

Soft and warm so he doesn’t wake up from exhaustion.

She lifted Raiden’s body leaning against the bookshelves and placed him on her lap.

Then, brushing her tousled bangs, she kissed his forehead.

ㅡ side…

“Sleep well… Bocchan…..”

The girl whispered in a low voice.