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Transformation or Death chapter 52

52 – Call me by name (3)

As Han Jaejoong and Baek Ah-hee were human beings affected by starlight, their recovery was quick.

It took only a few days for others to be discharged from the hospital even after receiving an injury that would take weeks or even months at the worst.

During those hospitalized days, Baek Ah-hee only chatted with Han Jae-joong and did not try to go deeper into it.

In the end, until the day she was discharged, she did not ask about his identity.

Baek Ah-hee, who was tying a scarf around her, said.

“Recently, there are people who have been secretly exposed to starlight, so there are not that few people with healing powers like Jaejoong. It’s fortunate.

It was a strange gaze and an awkward laugh. A suspicious expression that reminds anyone that he is hiding something.

“…Ah, yes. That’s great news.”

Han Jaejoong looked at it with cold eyes and reluctantly replied. In that brief silence, he pondered whether to answer with a sigh or click his tongue.

The bottom line was to do neither.

‘I guess I’ll have to tighten my mouth.’

Baek Ah-hee pretends that she doesn’t know Han Jae-joong’s identity on the outside.

However, her ability to keep secrets is pretty poor.

Do you want to be teased or do you want to somehow express your excitement outwardly?

‘Whatever it is, it’s not very good for me.’

Han Jaejoong gave a warning by knocking on the ground with the crutches he had not yet thrown off.

“Hey, Mr. Vega.”

“Are you really not going to change that title?”

“Doesn’t a person need more than a certain distance? Why? This is good enough to empathize with.”


Baek Ah-hee, who had been staring at him for a moment, lowered her head and stroked her stomach with a worried hand.

“There wasn’t a bit of distance… wasn’t it?”

“No really.”

When I had to keep seeing her face, I was beaten several times a day. Han Jaejoong swallowed the swear words in his stomach. Of course, it was an insult to himself. It was the legitimate right of the victim to wield the sins of others like a weapon.

‘Yes, I’m a dog. I’m such a jerk. Oh shit.’

Exhausted, he corrected his words.

“To be honest, I don’t really want to have a personal relationship with Mr. Vega.”

“Yeah?! Why!”

Originally, I thought it would be okay to get closer.

He tried to avoid the end of the world by taking care of the magical girl by his side.

However, this had several drawbacks.

“Because it’s a deception.”

One was the question of his identity. Even if the purpose is to protect the magical girls, the transformation itself is the cause of their suffering.

It is a problem because even if they show heroic moves, they shake their position and support.

However, if you hide your heroic side thoroughly and pretend to be a villain on the outside, that will bring unparalleled stress to them.

There is no answer to this.

The moment an answer is given, another question is formed, creating a cycle that will never end.

Just as the sun rises and the moon sets, his identity, neither a monster nor a human, becomes their pain in essence.

That’s why it’s a deception to hide your true identity and stay close to a magical girl. It is a deception in a different sense than meeting an acquaintance without memory.

Of course, this is just an explicit reason.

“Also, it’s my personal matter. When you’re close to people like you, you can’t avoid being noticed.”

I can’t forget the suspicious and curious gazes of the medical staff whenever Baek Ah-hee visited the hospital.

His eyes, pursuing interesting gossip, resembled the hunger for meat of a hungry predator.

As a hospital that specializes in the care of magical girls, we won’t divulge or divulge such private lives in earnest, but any other place will try.

It’s disgusting beyond being uncomfortable, and it’s terrifying because it’s disgusting. For him, that was what it meant to be exposed to the eyes of others.

It was better when it was a watcher. The whole body was covered, and even the tone of voice and gestures were slightly different, so no one would imagine themselves inside it.

However, it was still difficult for Han Jaejoong to handle such things with his own body.

The gaze of others is still terrifying.

The feeling of repulsion rising from deep within the body was similar to that of a magnet.

If you attach the same pole by force, you can forcefully hold on for a while, just as you will repel and move away, but in the end you will just fall out.

Trauma resembles fear, but it is different.

If fear is a momentary shake, trauma is a scar that has been engraved for a long time.

psychological trauma.

Trauma is such a mental disorder and defect, just as we cannot ask why a person with a severed nose cannot smell.

It is something that can be overcome, but cannot be overcome in a single moment.

“…Is it that bad?”

Baek Ah-hee asked anxiously. Han Jaejoong didn’t say or do anything different.

“Well, then we can meet more secretly!”

“What are you going to do if you get caught later? Since you’re still young, look for someone else rather than an old man like me.”

“People get to know each other, but where is their age? Besides, there isn’t that much of a difference.”

“There is a difference in appearance.”

Jaejoong Han turned his head and looked at his reflection in the window.

The beard was grown thick, and the hair was long enough to be called long.

It was a look reminiscent of a homeless person you often see on the subway or in a park, or a famous performance artist.

No matter what job others thought of looking at him, they would never assume that he was still in his mid-twenties in the accident.

“That’s… yes!”

Even Baek Ah-hee could not deny that.

“No, but it’s all because Jaejoong didn’t cut his hair and beard! Aside from the haircut, he would have had many opportunities to shave when he was in the hospital, but why didn’t he cut it yet!”

There was nothing wrong with her words. If you are a person who has a social life, no matter how busy you are, you are bound to tidy up your appearance. Especially if you are in your twenties who can have confidence in your appearance.

Han Jaejoong’s answer to that question was simple.



He satisfactorily swept his long beard and continued his answer.

“It’s cold in winter.”


“Look at the animals at high latitudes. All of them have fluffy fur. They evolved to withstand the cold. So this is my own evolutionary process.”

The face is difficult to defend, although it may be other parts that can be covered with clothes.

Even those clothes aren’t very good at keeping warm, so it’s not easy to endure the cold.

Poverty invites suffering like this.

“You can spend the winter more warmly if only your head is well protected from temperature.”

“It’s sophistry! I’ll just buy you a hat and coat. Please clean up that mess!!”


Han Jaejoong checked his reflection in the window again. It didn’t look very dirty to his eyes.

“Honestly, I like it because he looks like a middle-aged man in his 40s with a good atmosphere.”

“What makes me happy to hear that people in their twenties are middle-aged!

Baek Ah-hee rummaged through her arms and took out her wallet. Then he pulled out some bills from the wallet and held them out.

“Come on! Use this!”


Jaejoong Han stepped back in embarrassment, and she didn’t stop, thrusting the bill into his face. Due to the height difference, I had to raise my hand quite a bit.

“Use this to get a haircut and shave! If you have such a satisfied face, show it! Don’t hide it!”

Finally, I’m getting the red line from such a young child. Han Jaejoong admired how far life could go.

“Eh, no matter how much, it’s hard to do that even while taking Vega’s money…”

“I’ve already spent my money on the hospital room, so why are you doing this all over again?”

It’s real. Jaejoong Han nodded.

“Don’t you think it’s strange that you don’t like stares in the first place and then walk around in such a conspicuous way?”


It is an unexpected point of view. Jaejoong Han was amazed.

Like a bolt of lightning, the blade of language struck his head, cutting off the endless path of sophistry.

Like the king’s slash that cuts the Gordian knot, it was a sharp and novel move.

“Right? I’ll have a consultation again in a week, but at that time, I’ll come back with a proper look.”

A piece of paper was placed on Han Jaejoong’s dazed hand. She moved his fingers to grab the bill, in case it flew away. A few strands of crumpled money were still kept in his hand.

Proof that she shed blood and sweat even at her age. Evidence of that labor and effort.

Baek Ah-hee smiled as she raised her hand above his fist.

“Okay? Are you really cool enough to seduce all the women in the world?”

“Then what if Mr. Vega falls for me?”

“Then Jaejoong is being arrested.”

Jaejoong Han smiled a little.

“Yes. Then I’ll be cool enough to seduce all the women in the world, but I’ll come to the level that Vega won’t fall for me.”

“You got it right! Oh right, did you hear that the counseling building has changed? You can’t be late because you’ve lost your way!”


Baek Ah-hee ran away waving her hand, and when she got away from him, she looked at him again and bowed her head. After that, he ran again, this time stepping backwards and continuing to wave.

It’s a very busy goodbye.

Han Jaejoong waved his hand at her.

Like a ship disappearing over the horizon, the girl’s figure gradually disappeared as she blended into the busy world of the city.

Seeing her from the back, Han Jaejoong was stabbed in a corner of his heart.

‘I really need to clean up the mess…’

I looked at my face reflected in the window again.

Shabby behavior without even basic management. Those who see this look will look at it as if it is amazing, but at the same time, no one will try to come closer. At the same time, you wouldn’t even think to find out what kind of person is under this face.

Blue Sirius’ dating rumors that few people remember now, and anyone who tries to find out about them will only get cursed at. It would be difficult for cyber investigators at the time, who were keen on the case, to relate the past incidents while looking at him.

Like most controversial topics, it is forgotten over time. In the case of this dating rumor, it was more than that. Much sooner the public eye was diverted and interest was volatilized.

This is because Sirius’ behavior is so good that the investigation revealed that she was not at fault.

Of course, most of the circumstances were fabricated by Jaejoong Han himself.

As a result of sympathy for Blue Sirius, a hostile public opinion for Han Jaejoong arose.

People who come directly into the house and curse at me are noblemen, and I have also met people who wield deadly weapons. I’ve seen plenty of people asking for naked pictures of magical girls via private messages, and I’ve heard even more demanding requests.

It was the time when Han Jaejoong was degraded to the trash of society, and it was the moment when he was disconnected from society.

He no longer manages. Because subconsciously I didn’t feel the need to do that. For him, the desire to belong to society was long gone.

The memory was forgotten, but the pain was forever. Even if there was no memory, if there was pain, controlling behavior was simple.

I have long hair, and I don’t shave. Of course, the smell and itchiness were also difficult for him, so he managed basic cleanliness, but that was all.

It was a self-expression in the sense that I am a person who is cut off from society and will continue to be cut off from society.

An expression that took a long time for even the person himself to realize the meaning.

Han Jaejoong stroked his beard. I felt a tingling sensation.

He doesn’t want to be friends with magical girls. It is deceitful, has no memory, and is reluctant to be noticed by others.

But if that’s the case, when should we become close friends?

When will I be able to confidently reveal my face to my acquaintances from the past?

When can this gaze avoidance disappear?

These were all unanswered questions.

Waiting for it to be perfect, making many excuses, and then running to someone in a hurry when I’m full of my castle.

If you repeatedly put off the chance to be childish and keep your distance from rejection, will you get closer to that perfection?

Will that perfect day ever come?

Even if the day comes with perfect preparations, how many people will still be there to come? Even if he approaches, will he be able to turn back?

Jaejoong Han sighed deeply. My head hurt.

I didn’t know how to change, but I felt the need to change.

He knew the easiest way.

Changing the outside is much simpler than changing the inside.

As a first step, too, try to follow the advice of your counselor.

Jaejoong Han stopped by the bank.

I put the money Baek Ah-hee gave me into the donation box and withdrew a small amount from my bank account that I had forgotten.

It was the bankbook Seolhwa sent the money to. Han Jaejoong did not think of this as his own money. Regardless of her guilt, this was money she didn’t deserve.

So, now this act was stealing and borrowing, and all these bundles of bills in my hands were debt.

A debt that must be repaid someday.

With sin comes the duty of atonement, and with debt comes the duty of repayment.

No matter how much you avoid it, the day will come when you must face the duty you shouldered.

Yoon Seol-hwa.

The excuse to continue the kite with her was made like this.

Han Jaejoong wanted to give himself the responsibility to meet again in this form. I look forward to the day when I can meet her again someday and repay the debt with confidence.

He left the bank and started walking.

The place was, of course, a barber shop.


Baek Ah-hee had arrived at the counseling center in advance with thrilling steps.

He always came first and he came later, but this time it was the other way around.

“Ribbon, what kind of hairstyle is it?”

[So… pomade?]

“Be a little more motivated! The day that Jaejoong, who was like a homeless man, is changing?”

She eagerly waited for the door to open.

[You don’t doubt that you’ll be cut.]

“Then it’s natural.”

Five minutes before the appointed time, the door opened.

“You have to believe in these things to be able to believe in everything.”

Baek Ah-hee’s eyes widened as she saw the man who had entered.


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